dreamt

you say

never,

never,

never,

never,

never,

never again

and then for good measure

the never

thats never

never

ever

said

but sits

in shadows

waiting

for never

to happen again

rejoice(?)

Rejoice, rejoice God’s ears are stitches
Rejoice, His eyes are big X’s
Rejoice, His arms are burning witches
Rejoice, His hands perform hexes

Rejoice despite the fact this world will hurt you
Rejoice despite the fact this world will kill you
Rejoice despite the fact this world will tear you to shreds
Rejoice because you’re trying your best

Rejoice, the bed you sleep in is burning
Rejoice, the sky’s fucking falling
Rejoice, the world we know is turning
Rejoice, your father’s been calling

Rejoice although this world will devastate you
Rejoice although this world will penetrate you
Rejoice although you will not survive
Rejoice you’ll never make it out alive

Rejoice, your hair it smells like burning (hair)
Oh rejoice, your nails all got chewed off
Rejoice, and holy fuck you’re bleeding (there)
Oh rejoice, you burned your whole beard off

Rejoice despite the fact this world will kill you
Rejoice despite the fact this world will tear you to shreds
Rejoice because you’re trying your best

-Andrew Jackson Jihad

old friends

make for nights that only happen when something's missing.

greydaysandnights

feather time photo bomb

purp.

occupied

made the executive decision to ditch class in favor of getting coffee and sunshine. caffeine and sun have a good track record with making me feel a bit more human. i know shitll get easier with time, but when easier feels like a constant dull ache it still sucks. guess it comes with the territory. i feel a bit shit about being so....flaky (?) when it comes to school, but i know better than to try and shove myself back into things when im ambivalent about it.

i got a call from a chick at the brooks institute, a professor of mine from the photo j dept at ut referred me there a while ago but i never considered going since its in like, california....but, considering recent events, dropping 50k a year at the best journalism school in the country seems worth it.

although i imagine ill need to go to class.

on that note...

so much for sleep.

liar.

im not okay with you gone.

i promised you i would be, laughed and smiled and joked on the phone but now my bed is empty, my room feels hollow and everything seems duller with you not beside me.

got off the phone and started sobbing.

ive lost too many people, i dont want to lose you too.

i miss you.

...RANT...

leave me alone.

im tired, im fat, and i dont want to do anything. nor do i really give a flying fuck about your feelings on whether or not i should be able to party AND have 11 hour school days. i dont care.

im not answering ANYMORE FUCKING TEXTS ABOUT HOW LAME I AM BECAUSE I DONT WANT TO DRINK THE NIGHT BEFORE I HAVE CLASS FROM 9am TO 8:30pm STRAIGHT.

drinking just makes you fat anyway.

i was "complimented" on my weight gain last night.

now i never want to eat again.

NEVER TALK ABOUT ASSES GETTING BIGGER TO ME LIKE THATS A GOOD THING; I WILL SMILE AND GIGGLE AND SECRETLY WANT TO TAKE A BUTCHER KNIFE AND CUT EVERY ONCE OF EXTRANEOUS FLESH OFF MY BODY.

and never want to go out in public again.

i was doing so well too.

now i cant look in a mirror.

im not doing anything except gym, school, and shooting til im at an acceptable confidence level again.

IM NOT DRINKING EITHER. its useless.

ugh.

fuck fuck fuck.

alive!

yeehaw.

back in texas...since thursday...but i'm still too discombobulated to like, organize linear events.

soooo will give rundown...tomorrow.

got 4 hours of sleep last night for no good reason, so the brain's a little janky.

and im bleeding from my lady bits.

fucking. hate. periods.

except my boobs look amazing.

but theyre sore as shit, which cancels out the novelty.

wow. talk about word vomit.

right.

on that note.