nada.

when im here i dont make my own decisions. all i do is try and make it day to day without cracking.

im not one to ask for rescuing, but i need it. i need holding and hugging and something i know isnt going to just die. i hate that i only feel safe with you. and i hate that i understand everything. and i hate how im not able to emotionally allow you what you need. i hate that im not independent and strong and unfazed.

i hate that you cant help me, even if you wanted.

im so tired.

home again, sobfest

i miss you.

about to puke the entire contents of my stomach hoping some of this sad shit comes up with it.

i didnt puke once with you. didnt even think about it.

im crying.

i always cry.

im sick of crying.

mmm.

ive certainly been a fucking bummer lately.

i almost died yesterday, and got a real bed today.

shits weird.

well

i dreamt i could see every bone in your face.

i remember thinking,

"well, thats a lot worse than he said it was"

arms, i told you i understood

why people killed themselves.

i do.

there are times i understand more.

tonight i remember.

its the feeling that no matter what, you will never be okay.

no matter how hard to push and fight you can never win.

that reaching out, asking, screaming for help is ignored.

its feeling like a problem, or a situation, or a burden.

its feeling really cold.

its feeling empty.

its the feeling that no one can love you.

that youre broken and inconsequential.

its waking up and crying.

its making coffee and crying.

its going to the store and crying.

its being overwhelmed by existing.

being overwhelmed by gravity.

its feeling weak and wretched for being weak and wretched.

its wishing someone cared enough to stop you.

its knowing you will succeed because no one does.

its the weight of your head being too much.

im just really cold.

i wish i were hollow.

so when i fall i could crumble to pieces.

turn to ash.

blow away.

cutcutcutcut

all i do is fuck things up.

im a needy needy little evil thing.

i just want to stop.

i want it to be okay.

but it isnt.

it never will be.

and its my fault.

i just wish it werent always my fault.

ugh.

i just want to stop crying.

what the fuck. why cant i stop crying?