bar.

in an effort to pull my head out of my ass, and be social/happy/normal(ish) i went to my bar. alone. while i was meeting friends there at ambiguous times, i had, believe it or not, ever been to that particular place alone.

awkward.

well, people came. i talked, i drank, i got some smiling in.

then i got bored.

then i looked around.

i saw a person i tried(ish) dating a month or two ago. met him at joe strummer's birthday party, but...we never got around to hanging out after that.

he tried.

i didnt.

he gave up.

well.

he was there with a girl. in a pretty party dress. with long hair. and no tattoos.

all of a sudden, my black tank, black leggings, black chucks seemed.....un-pretty. too tough. too "fuck off and die". i felt....odd. similar to how i used to feel when the object of my affections went for the cutesy preppy chick over me.

it's a bizarre dichotomy, being surrounded by people who think youre a badass and seeing someone who found it all too...much.

"too much" is my Achilles heel.

i am constantly, through out my entire life, "too ____(loud, talkative, sensitive, complicated, angry, abstract, dominant, needy, political...)". for me, the concept of being over the top, being beyond a palatable amount of one adjective or another, has been a consistent reminder of how hard it is to be around me. how im someone unworthy of time and attention because its too overwhelming to be around me, too much effort, too much...well, just too much.

i find it hard to separate myself, even now, from the sad teenage girl getting chosen second to the girl the boy really wished he was with. the one he could bring to mom, the one who could be "cleaned up".

i have a grit that no amount of designer body wash will scrub off, and sometimes i find that to be a difficult reality to face.

also.

it isnt like anyone even asks how i am anyway.

this song made me break down in a grocery store today. not that anybody noticed.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AscPOozwYA8

mad?

i wish i had a gauge on the side of my head that would show me when my happy chemicals were getting low. maybe another to show me when they were getting higher so id know there was hope. instead of just losing it and hoping the next day it would be different, better, more evened out. i can hope all i want, but every morning it's the same.

is it a bad sign when you wake up and are immediately disappointed?

the moment im quiet, and things are still i cant help but feel so insanely overwhelmed ive begun sobbing. all. the. time. i cry in the isles of convenience stores, in the bathroom stalls of bars, alone in the shower. there are lists of places i cant go anymore, that are haunted and weighted down by history.

my body has gone on autopilot. i behave as ive become accustomed to behave in order to illicit minimal concern. if people ask, i change the subject. i cant cry in front of anyone anymore. there is no one that matters enough to me to confide in.

and yet.

i just want to curl up in a safe lap and cry. and be held and be told itll all be alright in the way that makes you believe it, at least for that second.

but when there is no lap, no soothing words, or arms to hold you and you're left with only yourself....it becomes scary. and lonely.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cMouvawdbKc

stop.

shut up. stop talking about assinine shit, i dont care who you want to fuck, or dont, who said what to who at some shitty show your shitty friends were at. sorry, im not that interested in sex with ugly, idiotic males, who may or may not flat iron their hair.

this cannot be my life.

get me out of here.

now.

void.

miss you. i like, cant focus on anything. my allergies are going insane, i have welts on my tongue, i cant sleep, my entire body is like, inflamed and shut down. i feel like im disjointed and disconnected and completely ABSENT. i cant remember what im even doing here, or if i can even go anywhere and give a shit. i dont want to ride my bike, i dont want to talk to anyone, i dont even want to get out of bed, and it sucks. i feel like i have no home here or anywhere. i dont know where i fit.

i wish i knew what to do, i dont really care enough to be proactive right now.

grey.

tomorrow my life as it has been, in all its unstable, fucked up glory, will end. not literally, obviously. figuratively. i'm flying to a vacation i dont even want, at the worst time imaginable life-wise, in the worst weather for no good reason other than the fact i paid for it and ill have two pissed future roommates and one pissed mother to deal with if i backed out.

my body aches. i havent eaten today, i have no desire to. im crying as i write this, quietly so no one hears. but i suppose i shouldnt worry about that, my roommates are so excited about this trip i dont think they really understand what im leaving behind.

im petrified. im petrified of what will be left here when i come back. there is a gaping void in my chest that grows exponentially the closer it the clock gets to takeoff. im praying for a fever, for an instant flu, a miraculously broken foot, for anything, anything that will keep me off that fucking plane. anything that will keep me closer, closer, closer.

a part of me died tonight, and will continue rotting away for the rest of my life.