cashew butter an blizzards an shit.

fuck you, 1-2 feet of snow that casually decides to pick my only travel day for the next three weeks to fall specifically on boston. you couldnt have waited like, 24 hours? see, i dont mind snow. shit, i dont even mind FEET of snow. i lived in boston, its called winter, it happens. every year. so if i was just bitching about it being cold or some shit, i'd say youre free to call me a whiny twat. but since im not, you cant. im not really THAT butthurt, i just really wouldve preferred to not have had to wake up at 4:30 am , practically miss my flight because of inssssaaaaaaaane security lines, AND have an ENTIRE (unopened) jar of cashew butter thrown away all for nothing. what kind of fascist considers nut butters to be a security risk?? seriously. dont try and bring nut butters on a plane. its considered a liquid (well, technically it considered a paste, but i guess pastes count too) so it has to be under 3oz to travel. but my loaf of gf bread lived to tell the tale. i tried going back to security to see if i could like, get my cashew butter back but they looked at me like i was nuts. then asked if i was sure i didnt check it. yeah homie, im hauling 3olbs worth of bike bag carry ons but that single jar is totally get checked.

right.

so, still in austin. fingerscrossed, ill be outta here manana. so far it looks like the worst is overnight and im not rolling into boston til 5:30, so i think itll be clear by then. getting off plane, and buying cashew butter.

douches.

i found this interesting. i like it. im a little douchey, but i knew that. its long, but i think you can all read and whatnot so im sure you'll survive. i tried just copy/pasting but it got all gnarly. so, sorry.

http://thoughtcatalog.com/2010/how-to-be-a-complete-douche/

hawtness.

hot damn. i wanna ride this bike around germany. its. so. pretty. im nerding out right now, and i dont even LIKE this sorta shit.

http://formigliusa.com/cm/Custom_Road_Bikes/Italian_Steel_Road_Bicycle_Custom_Frame.html

i love my folks.

why cant my family ever fucking make a plan and stick to it? i applaud their bohemian, laissez faire "itll all get done when it gets done" mentality but IT TURNS ME INTO A NERVOUS WRECK.

there's never a plan. or if there is, its going to change 4 or 5 times.

no one ever communicates. ever. except through me- as in "have you talked to your sister? what does she want to do? is she up yet? what about her girlfriend? is she working?" WHY DONT YOU CALL HER AND ASK HER YOURSELF??? or, when you do maybe relay the info to me so i can...i dont know, get ready to go, or know if i need to plan on well, ANYTHING.

no one is ever on time.

and im always the asshole if i cant make whatever it is even if its across town, in the rain, with 5 minutes notice. everything seems to revolve around my sister, like nothing can be planned unless it has been cleared and approved by her. which means i never know what the fuck im doing until someone remembers to tell me. which they dont.

honestly, my mom just stresses me out. she always looks like shes on the verge of breaking, or flying of the hinges. it makes me uneasy. her around my dad is just too much family in one spot. i always hated when they were around each other. because she always has him around whoever shes with at the time and its like, too much emotional awkwardness. for me at least.

no one else seems to give a fuck, but its just too much.

i fucking hate having to be around them.

it makes me want to climb the walls.

coffee, i can handle. drinks, sure. want me to ride my bike and meet you all somewhere, totally down. but take away my bike, put me in a car with my parents and ill have an anxiety attack.

uggggggh why couldnt we have just gone to yoga in the morning like we'd planned? then everything wouldve gone smoothly, and as planned and i wouldnt be here in bed still feeling frustrated and exhausted.

"full"

alrighty, its officially been four days since i've felt like total ass...thanks, brain chemistry. im glad you decided to realign in my favor this time. i keep forgetting to like, update things when im happy. i think that's a general thing with technology though; when you're enjoying life you arent thinking about getting on facebook...and everyone knows blogging isnt high on my list of things to do unless im bored(√) or having a breakdown/venting/whining/being charming...anyway.

sorry if you were concerned.

although considering this is a public blog, and theres a link in my fb info, and i knoooooow some of you guys reading this actually like, know me (as in see me/talk to me on a regular basis)...if you were all that worried you shouldve asked me. it isnt creepy, it lets me know a) somebody's actually reading this shit, and b) you like, actually care about me. i mean, im not an idiot, im well aware what "public" vs "private" means (not to mention its on my fucking facebook). so yeah, i think some of the reason why i started this anyway was to openly vent without feeling like i was putting people out. everyone (including myself) has short attention spans, and im really insecure about my inability to control my brain-to-mouth spillage so...i dunno. im always trying to err on the side of shutting the fuck up publicly. plus, its heavy a lot of the time, and who the hell wants to hear some little chick bitch about feeling fat or being insecure?

it isnt even the real issue. seriously. for me (and a lot of people with eating disorders) "feeling fat"=

feeling insecure about "real" shit. it isnt the same as when you eat a pint of ice cream when you're hungover and you get full and go "ughhhhh i fell so faaaaat now." <--thats just equating feeling full with fat and while i (and too many people,actually) totally do that, that isn't really our general pathology.

now,i can really only speak for myself here, as i try not to assume all ed people follow the same logic (but as with most people with addictions the commonalities in our thinking is eerily similar) but when im "feeling fat" that usually means im emotionally unhappy and frustrated with, well, anything i think is beyond my control- school/life/friends/lovers etc.- so i focus on my external.

why? because if i focused on my internal self i wouldnt have a fucking eating disorder.

luckily, this aint my first rodeo. ive had an ed to varied levels of obviousness since i was...well. shit. i guess i was always overly aware of my body in relation to other peoples (by always, i mean always, i have vivid memories of thinking my thighs were too big when i was like, 9) but i didnt start altering my eating habits until i was 15ish. so its been over a decade. which is really sad. buuuut it means ive had a lot of time to think, and work, on the what/why/how of everything and honestly i know my triggers.

whether i honor them or not is entirely variable. but i make the choice now, and when im rested and being relatively productive i can usually make choices that err on the side of not destroying my body.

exhale

siggggghhhhh.

well, post hungover meltdown this morning i rode up to my sister's and went to bikram.

goddamn, i needed that. i love bikram because you just sweat and stretch and sweat until you literally feel like you got your ass kicked in the most zen, amazing way humanly possible. we're going back wednesday, i cant wait. i think tomorrow ill go for a run (ie- slow jog) and ride some more. i just keep looking at myself in the mirror and im stunned at how, i dont know, mushy(?) ive gotten. i just look puffier i guess. its not like, i want to starve myself into an emaciated twig or anything, i just miss MOVING. i miss waking up and going for a run or going to bikram and starting my day already having accomplished something. i feel so stuck and stagnate here in austin, and since i have to be here for at least another six or seven months i have to make the best of it. so fucking a, if people want to bitch at me for going home early and sober so i can go running, or riding, or to yoga in the morning they can go fuck themselves.

after yoga (and an AMAZING shower) i rode to spiderhouse and met my fam, friends, drank an americano...went to liberty, saw my darling ladies (NONE of which even noticed i wasnt drinking and NONE tried convincing me that being sober was stupid. my girls rule, fyi)....home at 9pm. watching "the vice guide to everything" and actually really stoked on it.

i guess ice cube said it best, but fuck it. all in all today...well. you know:

little/big a

dont you love it when you tell people you arent drinking anymore and they argue AGAINST it?? like, literally my morning conversation went like this:

me: "i dunno. im piecing it together and every idiotic thing ive ever done, it's been while drinking, and honestly im sick of feeling like a total idiot in the morning. and my fucking body hurts"

> "we all do stupid shit when we're drunk. who cares?"

me: "i care"

>"well, stop caring."

me: "what?"

>"i mean, you have to just roll with it. you only live once. "

me: "well, i would like to not be hungover the whole time."

*silence

me: "you all act like i didnt just start drinking. i didnt drink for like, 4 fucking years. im just over it again"

>"well, you never came out when you werent drinking. you werent any fun"

me: "i can be fun when im sober"

>"no you cant"

this town is seriously wrecking my soul.

• 宆 • π¡Åm! •

furthermore

after obsessive compulsively trolling about every goddamn celiac forum board whatever, i thiiiink i can safely say the source of my darling morning vom session was none other than some bastard, renegade hugs that i assuuuumed were okay.

fucking hershey's.

cunts.

dear government™,
just because you repealed DADT (good job, dipshits, it shouldnt have been a law in the first place) doesnt mean i didnt notice this DREAM douchebaggery. really? really? oh, fuck off already.
love, ruth

http://www.cnn.com/2010/POLITICS/12/18/dadt.dream.act/index.html?iref=obinsite

Washington (CNN) -- The Senate voted 65-31 on Saturday to repeal the "don't ask, don't tell" law, which bans openly gay people from serving in the armed forces.

The measure now goes to President Obama to sign. The House of Representatives passed the measure 250-175 on Wednesday.

Obama and the Pentagon must certify that repealing the 1993 law will not adversely affect the armed services.

Obama earlier Saturday called an earlier procedural vote advancing the repeal toward a final vote a "historic step toward ending the controversial policy."

"It is time to close this chapter in our history," Obama said.

Earlier Saturday, a bill that would have offered a path to citizenship to some illegal immigrants who entered the United States as children failed a procedural vote.

Known formally as the Development, Relief and Education for Alien Minors Act, the DREAM Act fell five votes short of the 60 needed to be considered for final passage.

Obama said Saturday that the failure of the Senate to move the DREAM Act forward was "incredibly disappointing."

warning, this is super yum.

well. THAT was fun.

here's a quick heads up:

when you feel like youve been glutened, and 5 hours later you still feel like youve been glutened, youve BEEN GLUTENED. and it is going to be absolutely disgusting when it comes out of your stomach.

disgusting and really, really painful. as in acidic BLACK bile, maybe some old blood from where the gluten caused ulcers to bleed around your lower intestine, and of course all that fun awesome gluten contaminated food.

i have no idea why the hell my resilient little-engine-that-could body has to have the jankiest goddamn digestive system ever. like, this shit is genetic. this is probably the one physical problem i cant blame on the eating disorder shit, and is the one that seriously, seriously NOT HELPING me get my shit together.

my throat is raw, my stomach's bloated, my eyes are totally puffy and my body still hurts.

celiac's literally causes your body to think it has been poisoned by a fucking bread crumb.

uh, hello, HOW FUCKING IRONIC IS THAT??

the real tragedy is that all i WANT to do, really, truly, is ride my bike, go to yoga and get the hell out of this cave of a room. and i will. it just may have to wait for tomorrow.

99.5º

in last night's little psychotic meltdown i must have ingested some gluten-y amazingness and (basically) got zero sleep last night, had stomach acid doing god knows what to my throat, got some super awesome sweats, and am now in the fetal position debating if it's even worth it to try and puke whatever the fuck is still lurking in my stomach up.

so much for yoga.

oh yeah, and ive got a fever.

but that might be the gluten.

or i may not be glutened, maybe i have like, a virus or something. my stomach was wonky all yesterday too, but i assumed that was from thursday's happy-fun-b/p session.

doubt it.

pretttttty sure i was just an idiot and didnt read some label right.

ugggggghhhhhhhh

i really, really, really wanted to go to yoga and ride my bike and drink tea and do happy things today. and i cant fucking MOVE because i feel like i have burning acid rocks in my stomach.

fuck thiiiissssss

i keep trying to calm down and like, do some breathing and be patient incase the stress is making my stomach all churny, but i cant help it. i dont know whats going on and my burps seriously tasted like stale vomit. this is soooooo gross.

goodnight

my teeth are so sharp, i rip open the sides of my mouth when i bite my lip. ive lazily bitten into the same spot three times in the last 5 minutes because its swollen i guess. i can feel the loose shredded skin. it hurts. ugh. it hurts so much.

uh

i hurt.

chugged like, a gallon of fucking water.

which is stupid.

although, "stupid" is a relative concept when youre a bulimic.

more or less, everything i do is "stupid".

still.

feeling full has got to be the number one, most awful, uncomfortable, anxiety-squirmy feeling EVER.

and yes, i recognize the absolute evilness of that.

im fully aware that being "full" is a metaphor for some shit, that means someone didnt fucking hug me enough or whatever and ive heard ALL about how having an eating disorder is a total "luxury" disorder and all that other bullshit, self-righteous, nose-in-the-air "silly, stupid girls wanting to be skinny" crap.

i mean, the rational bit of me is all flag waving feminism and body love shit too, ya know.

then i stick my head in the toilet.

i mean, i dont weigh myself because i KNOW i wont be okay afterward.

people seem to think i dont weigh myself because ive somehow liberated myself from all of this.

you know what sucks?

thinking you have.

and being proud of yourself for being open and accountable, and patient, and all that jazz.

then you realize your thighs are beginning to touch and all of a sudden it spirals and spirals because a LITTLE recovery is okay, a LITTLE gainning, a LITTLE loosening, a LITTLE loss of control. but then all of a sudden it isnt a LITTLE its a LOT and now all i can fucking think about now is how full i feel now and how fat i am and how all my work not purging and tryyyyying to break all my shitty austin habits in miami is totally fucked now.

but yeah, all of you darlings reading this dont reeeeeeeally care, i know. things on this end arent quite as tidy and awesome as my going out party self is. and everyone is totally okay assuming for some goddamn reason all i do is drink and have, like, soooo much fun like all the tiiiiime. i have one person who i know will never, ever, ever, ever buy that bullshit. and i love him so much for that. he knows because he's had to witness this shit firsthand, this up and down and crying and weighing and puking and starving and saying im okay when im not and making promises we all know i cant keep no matter how much i do want to. he also remembers that up until a YEAR ago i refused to drink because i swore itd make me fat. HELLLLLLOOOOOO?!?

ugh.

it makes me sad how much life ive wasted, and how much life im going to continue to waste because i flicked a switch a decade ago and now i cant unflick it.

rotten.

holy.

fucking.

shit.

goddamn.

goddamn.

FUCK.

MY TEETH ARE FUCKING ROTTING.

LITERAL HOLES.

IN.

MY.

TEETH.

go ahead, ask me:

did that stop me from shoving my fingers down my throat?

did that stop me from mechanically eating food (even though i didnt want it? even though i dont really remember deciding to do it? even though it consciously occurred to me that actually tastes revolting?)?

did that stop me at all?

i mean i got what, FOUR days into my trip before i was sticking my head in the toilet.

ooooooh and i got what, an HOUR into the flight home before i was eating my weight in nuts and heading to the airplane bathroom to barf it up?

MY ASS IS HUGE AND MY TEETH ARE ROTTING.

this shit is fucking cancer.

this room is fucking cancer.

if i cant get my shit together soon, im taking a fucking bat to my face and wiring my jaw shut.

and you know, committing myself.

(not)home

back in austin.

im a frazzled, depressed, bloated, ovary aching mess.

you know you're in the wrong place when both you AND your traveling partner are crying to yourselves as the plane lands.

i cry every time i come back to austin.

i want to be anywhere but here.

late.

it's still the eighth as far as im concerned.

reeeeally?!

sharp

stabbing

pains

in

stomach

for

almost

six

hours

bff bmx/polo

http://www.flickr.com/photos/missrutheg/sets/72157625414526749/

rules.

i need some new rules, because this is getting ridiculous. i know i'll get some shit for this, but honestly, i dont care.

•this is absolutely necessary to get out of the b/p habit•

1. no eating after 7pm

2. zero trigger foods

3. one drink limit a day (if i dont drink one day i can have two drinks but never more than two)

4. if triggered, no food/no booze.

5. walk/jog at least every other day

6. at least two meetings a week.

- basically, i cant eat much of anything for right now. sorry if this makes you uncomfortable but i have to get my shit together. and it isnt like anyone's helping me or offering support so your opinions really dont matter. which sounds shitty but sticking your head in the toilet everyday, and not being able to wear your clothes anymore because you've gotten too fat is shittier. i feel so gross and uncomfortable now, i cant even focus right now because all i can think about is how puffy and gross i look. this is how i have to do it.

WIN!!

me and my bestie make the best shit ever....coming soon to a roof/mailbox/shirt/wall/face/surface near you. LOVE.

slleeeeeeepppps

does me good.

except when i sleep til 2pm and end up right back where i started bein up at 2 am going "oh right. i should be tired now."

well, i had a good night.

successfully wore my sparkle shorts (did not rip my tights and/or become a sequin mess), got lots of hugs, said "i love you" bunches, and my house in boston is going to be full of darling austin polo kids in january. which makes me very, very happy.

when i go from despondent to stoked in 2.5 seconds i have to stop myself from analyzing it into oblivion. these days ive learned to just grin like a motherfucker and appreciate every fucking happy day i can get. i'm really, really grateful for the people in my life. it makes it easier to pull my head outta my ass.

and get tacos at midnight. yums.

pause

im gonna have to drug myself i guess. i got two hours of sleep last night. this shit is seriously getting ridiculous. this makes it about two months since ive gone to bed before 1am and the 9th or 10th day straight on less than 4 hours of sleep. so yeah. time to bust out the tylenol pm, suck it up and just zombie it up because yeah. two hours of sleep fucking sucks. i really really love sleeping. i miss it.

so two hours and had an exam. i came home and tried to sleep, i think i managed to pass out for like thirty minutes. i just feel so down because of it. im really removed from everything, like im watching my life through goggles. someone elses goggles.

so tylenol pm it is. im hoping that'll kinda reset everything. ive been crossing my fingers a lot these days. but here goes nothing. again.

what?!?

it's fucking december?!

time flies when you're sleep deprived.

so i totally found out part of whats waking me up pissed everyday. outside my window there's this tree, and i dont know WHAT its major malfunction is, but it has taken to banging randomly on the railing(?) of the floor directly above me. it sounds like someone slamming cabinets over and over again. but randomly. so its gets super annoying. think i may go investigate, see if i can like, move whatever its knocking against or somethin.

im preeeetttty sure thats what it is. if it isnt the tree then my next door neighbors are, in fact, opening and shutting cabinets over and over again for hours on end. which is kinda not okay.