nada.

when im here i dont make my own decisions. all i do is try and make it day to day without cracking.

im not one to ask for rescuing, but i need it. i need holding and hugging and something i know isnt going to just die. i hate that i only feel safe with you. and i hate that i understand everything. and i hate how im not able to emotionally allow you what you need. i hate that im not independent and strong and unfazed.

i hate that you cant help me, even if you wanted.

im so tired.

home again, sobfest

i miss you.

about to puke the entire contents of my stomach hoping some of this sad shit comes up with it.

i didnt puke once with you. didnt even think about it.

im crying.

i always cry.

im sick of crying.

mmm.

ive certainly been a fucking bummer lately.

i almost died yesterday, and got a real bed today.

shits weird.

well

i dreamt i could see every bone in your face.

i remember thinking,

"well, thats a lot worse than he said it was"

arms, i told you i understood

why people killed themselves.

i do.

there are times i understand more.

tonight i remember.

its the feeling that no matter what, you will never be okay.

no matter how hard to push and fight you can never win.

that reaching out, asking, screaming for help is ignored.

its feeling like a problem, or a situation, or a burden.

its feeling really cold.

its feeling empty.

its the feeling that no one can love you.

that youre broken and inconsequential.

its waking up and crying.

its making coffee and crying.

its going to the store and crying.

its being overwhelmed by existing.

being overwhelmed by gravity.

its feeling weak and wretched for being weak and wretched.

its wishing someone cared enough to stop you.

its knowing you will succeed because no one does.

its the weight of your head being too much.

im just really cold.

i wish i were hollow.

so when i fall i could crumble to pieces.

turn to ash.

blow away.

cutcutcutcut

all i do is fuck things up.

im a needy needy little evil thing.

i just want to stop.

i want it to be okay.

but it isnt.

it never will be.

and its my fault.

i just wish it werent always my fault.

ugh.

i just want to stop crying.

what the fuck. why cant i stop crying?

thieves, trips, trauma

liferightnowinanutshell.

nola was great, unfortunately im back and feel like shit. i cried in a fucking cvs.

seriously.

my bike was stolen, i hate living here, i feel completely isolated and lonely, and being in this apartment feels so toxic and fucked up. i cried the minute i walked in. ive been crying all day. i have a fucking fever. i just want to leave all my shit and get the fuck out.

i miss everything all the time.

and i hate it.

more dead shit.

hit a possum. felt it, heard it crack. i pulled over.

trail of blood into the bushes.

little broken thing carried its mangled self to die alone out of sight.

i dont even like possums.

still.

i sobbed hysterically the whole way home.

by these calculations....

Day	Weight	Calories Used	Your Calorie Deficit
04/12/2011	105.18	1555.49	1055.49
04/19/2011	103.08	1544.04	1044.04
04/26/2011	101	1532.71	1032.71
05/03/2011	98.95	1521.51	1021.51
05/10/2011	96.91	1510.43	1010.43
05/17/2011	94.9	1499.47	999.47
05/24/2011	92.91	1488.63	988.63
05/31/2011	90.94	1477.91	977.91
06/07/2011	89	1467.3	967.3
06/14/2011	87.07	1456.8	956.8
06/21/2011	85.17	1446.43	946.43
06/28/2011	83.28	1436.16	936.16
07/05/2011	81.42	1426	926
07/12/2011	79.57	1415.96	915.96
07/19/2011	77.75	1406.02	906.02
07/26/2011	75.95	1396.2	896.2
08/02/2011	74.16	1386.47	886.47
08/09/2011	72.4	1376.86	876.86
08/16/2011	70.65	1367.35	867.35
08/23/2011	68.93	1357.94	857.94
08/30/2011	67.22	1348.63	848.63
09/06/2011	65.53	1339.43	839.43
09/13/2011	63.86	1330.32	830.32
09/20/2011	62.21	1321.31	821.31
09/27/2011	60.57	1312.41	812.41
10/04/2011	58.95	1303.59	803.59
10/11/2011	57.35	1294.88	794.88
10/18/2011	55.77	1286.25	786.25
10/25/2011	54.21	1277.72	777.72
11/01/2011	52.66	1269.29	769.29
11/08/2011	51.13	1260.94	760.94
11/15/2011	49.61	1252.69	752.69
11/22/2011	48.11	1244.52	744.52
11/29/2011	46.63	1236.45	736.45
12/06/2011	45.17	1228.46	728.46
12/13/2011	43.72	1220.56	720.56
12/20/2011	42.28	1212.74	712.74
12/27/2011	40.86	1205.01	705.01
01/03/2012	39.46	1197.36	697.36
01/10/2012	38.07	1189.8	689.8
01/17/2012	36.7	1182.32	682.32
01/24/2012	35.34	1174.91	674.91
01/31/2012	34	1167.59	667.59
02/07/2012	32.67	1160.35	660.35
02/14/2012	31.35	1153.19	653.19
02/21/2012	30.05	1146.1	646.1
02/28/2012	28.77	1139.09	639.09
03/06/2012	27.49	1132.16	632.16
03/13/2012	26.23	1125.3	625.3
03/20/2012	24.99	1118.52	618.52
03/27/2012	23.76	1111.81	611.81
04/03/2012	22.54	1105.18	605.18
04/10/2012	21.34	1098.61	598.61
04/17/2012	20.14	1092.12	592.12
04/24/2012	18.97	1085.69	585.69
05/01/2012	17.8	1079.34	579.34
05/08/2012	16.65	1073.06	573.06
05/15/2012	15.51	1066.84	566.84
05/22/2012	14.38	1060.69	560.69
05/29/2012	13.26	1054.61	554.61
06/05/2012	12.16	1048.59	548.59
BY MY BDAY	NEXT	YEAR	I WONT EXIST

this is a story about a girl.

the girl learned to read early, her favorite colors were bright ones. she drew armless people. people with hair that went from neon yellow to neon orange to neon pink because at three, she knew the color spectrum.

the girl wrote backwards.

everything. the letters themselves, the words they formed.

perfectly backward.

the girl grew older.

the girl learned to read things she was too young to read. she drew people with arms and eyes, but no mouths. their hair was garnet and emerald and sapphire because, at five, she found the darkness comforting.

the girl still wrote backwards.

everything. the letters themselves, the words they formed.

the girl knew backward wasnt perfect.

the girl is no longer a girl.

the no-longer-girl reads things that are wordless; glances and sighs. she draws people with arms and eyes and mouths the way they taught her. their hair is black or blonde or brown because they got mad otherwise.

the no-longer-girl still writes backwards.

everything. the letters themselves, the words they formed.

the no-longer-girl no longer cares.

odds are.

everyone wants a piece of you when youve got nothing to give.

Wkbk babble: 6) Perfection

What would it take for you to forgive yourself for not being perfect? What would you need in order to be willing and able to do this?

this is going to post as being written the 31st. it's the 3rd....so ive sat on this question for four days. instead of waxing philosophical about the concept of perfection and how it relates to me, all i can really think to say is this:

i never wanted to be perfect. i just wanted to be enough.

just occurred to me.

its almost three months later and i still half expect you to knock of my door.

theres someone in the complex with your truck, its comedic how i keep falling for it.

maybe eventually, right?

eventually i'll stop getting a little disappointed when i walk into a room and dont see you.

it's just a little emptier, is all.

speaking of sunsets

"Belief ain't like unbelief. If you a believer then you got to come finally to the well of belief itself and then you don't have to look no further. There ain't no further. But the unbeliever has got a problem. He has set out to unravel the world, but everthing he can point to that ain't true leaves two new false things layin there"

-The Sunset Limited

on the road again. maybe.

this weekend im going to nola. friends birthday roadtrip type thing. part of me is excited, part of me is scared knowing the inevitability of drunk discussions about things i dont want to talk about. being trapped. making sure everyone survives. the usual.

in three weeks, if i choose to, i can go see my friend who just moved to san diego for the weekend. if not then, me and another friend were training it to la; we'd stop for a day or two to visit san diego when we went through. while i would rather train it, im sick of trusting people's intentions to do things and not follow through. there's a big part of me that'd rather just go when i wanted and assess the next trip when and if it came. i dont know. i would like to think i learned my lesson the last time i just got a bug up my ass and peaced out. san francisco. oh god. the weather sucked, i felt lost, weird, and i ended up basically at the apartment getting drunk and wishing i'd brought more than one long sleeved shirt. came home just, if not more, fucked up than i had been when i left.

i just want some peace. i want laughter and sunshine. i want to feel safe. i dont think thats on a beach in california. i dont think that's anywhere.

fuck it if i wont find it out the hard way, it's the only way i know.

it dont take much..

..to make feel a little less uneasy.

hope you know i appreciate it.

thanks.

Wkbk babble: 8) Lists

"What things have you missed and are still missing because of your ed? What have you lost or are losing?"

i've made a list similar to this at least 50 times over the last decade (decade. jesus christ.) sometimes pros/cons work better for me because for every comforting, safe "devil you know" 'pro' aspect of this shit there are literally five or six 'cons'...so it helps with perspective a little more.

but ill do it this way.

•things i've missed•

-about an inch of height

-a lot of menstrual cycles

-shit ton of dinner parties

ugh dammit.

i'm not taking this seriously.

okay. fuck a list. i've missed the ability to emotionally bond with my little sister when she needed me, i fucked up already fucked family dynamics. i missed my entire adolescence (prom/highschool/sleepovers)....because the eating disorder just shut me down. so when i started to work on my shit i basically had to accept that my brain and my emotion were still 15, my coping skills were those of a teenager. which isnt cute when youre in your early 20s. i missed the chance to grow up. as in, detach from my parents and become an adult.

here's the deal:

when youre about to drop dead, everything revolves around you. whether you like it or not. and once that "she cant take care of herself" dynamic is created...well, trust me. im almost 26 and my father still asks me if i need money and shit. my mom cant go a day without talking to me without thinking im dying.

so yeah, once your family decides youre a mess...well, youre eternally a mess. and no decision you will EVER make will be valid because, well, you starve yourself and are self destructive so you are incapable (obviously) of making sound choices. this goes for everyone, too. most people wont take you seriously when you talk about doing things. they dont trust you. youre self destructive, you some how arent able to be productive, or functional or be on top of your shit.

sure, im still working on it. but my mistakes will always reinforce people's assumptions about me whereas anyone else, well, 'people fuck up occasionally right?'...i dont get to. which is the bed ive made for myself because of my choices. its hard though. i guess i missed out on having people believe in me. thats the biggest thing. i suppose.

Wkbk babble: 2) Think of my 4-5 year old self.

Would I ever speak to that little girl the way I speak to myself?

no.

i tried thinking about what i would say, what would help "little kid me" or whatever..."inner child" is the mirasol term....

and just started feeling dirty and disgusting.

ugh.

so disgusting.

and guilty.

and vile and grotestque.

ugh.

so gross.

no really, my skins crawling.

fuck this question.

fuck.

this.

question.

isitbadionlyfeelsafeinthebathroom?

lock the door, run the water-

(puke/cut)bubble bath

.loud

steady

stream

of

white

noise.

hot, hotter, hottest-

my body emerges red and scalded.

sometimes i just sob.

choosing.

the tub, toilet, tub.

i cant even get in.

i dont want to get undressed.

im scared of what i'd do to myself,

seeing me that way.

this is the closest to safety i know.

safety:

when you're the only thing killing you.

I spend a lot of time on the bathroom floor.

seemsimjustascaredlittletwit

2 hours ago 8: 15 am 31 March 2011

23554) I’m not dead, I’m living; but I don’t feel alive and I don’t want to die.

68 notes

7 hours ago 3: 19 am 31 March 2011

23533) I feel like such a failure when I eat.

273 notes

1 day ago 1: 58 am 30 March 2011

23490) Everytime I look in the mirror I want to die. Without mirrors none of this would have started.

140 notes

1 day ago 1: 17 am 30 March 2011

23483) Well, we all have our vices.

58 notes

1 day ago 9: 43 pm 29 March 2011

23470) It scares me how much I hate myself.

626 notes

1 day ago 8: 38 pm 29 March 2011

23459) I need this control and it scares the hell out of me.

1 day ago 6: 58 pm 29 March 2011

23442) I don’t feel like I’m ever going to beat this. I don’t know if I even want to.

44 notes

1 day ago 6: 46 pm 29 March 2011

23440) I tried to recover. I really did.

132 notes

the shakes.

im so sick of crying myself to sleep worrying about you.

im shaking and im sober.

i was okay, im used to regretting what i say, second guessing myself constantly. ive even gotten okay with missing you. or, at least better than i was.

but this, this is so beyond my control it triggers every trauma response in my body.

i just want to know youll be okay.

drunk lists

i dance with the ghosts of my past

because they are the only ones who remember

who i was before i became myself.

"if i died tommorrow...

whats one thing you'd want me to know?" i'd get on the train with your cut-out and read to it and get drunk with it. when me and the cutout got to nola i'd find a voodoo queen who'd bring you back to life for the most epic of nights and i'd hug you as you turned back to paper and tell you that you were the best twin i never had....

"ohno. i never ment for this"

right now im prob going to have to drop everything to puke, again.

woke up, vomit.

nausea. my insides ache. they feel crampy and stabby and wrong.

this is what i get for eating.

yesterday i woke up feeling emptier, and very...not-like-this.

last night i had horrible dreams.

a friend tried stabbing themselves in the chest with little nail scissors and i wrestled them out of her hands but the excitement made her heart stop. i felt her body tense, and she just looked at me and said, "ohno. i never ment for this" and we cried as she died.

now im crying like a baby. and i feel sick again.

ick.

i hate eating.

i went 36 hours without food.

shoulda done longer.

theres a power in being empty.

and you know, i dont give a fuck if you understand anymore.

so.

you win.

we'll see who's bones and dust faster.

loves.

thanks, i feel better already....kinda.

i wish i could write a letter to that cunt of a woman that blew you off today about the house. but i'd prob get slapped with a restraining order

hahaha

riight

hmmmm perhaps i could write "youre an evil bitch" on the side of the house

no

bad idea

maybe you could..l then it would bring the value down

and she'd be desperate

exactly.

oooooh

I would totally live in the "crazy bitch" house

i could run in the front yard everytime she shows it going "ooooh are you the new nieghbors? can i still sleep under the porch?"

hahaha

just take a dump on the front porch

can i still pee in your house when theres a party? i just let myself in...

haha

yes

dude. back window is totally open and there is a chair by it

yeeeeesssss

i snuck in today to check it out to see if it was really too small

ill just sit there all the time

in a robe and slippers

hahaha

omg yhes

saying im neighborhood watch

dude.

we got this.

Yes

dont shower for weeks

smell like death

chain smoke

scratch my crotch

i'd like this played for me.

and if you knew

how much i wish i could, i would.

knowing everything.

no question.

rather go than stay.

fight than placate.

however, tonight all i can do is sob myself to sleep.

because i have nowhere to go, nothing to fight for, and no end in sight.

"man alive"

hey you, i love you.

you.

but you know that.

"somebody loves you"

Austin Lucas and his sister Chloe Manor

LOVE.

sparkle paint

i got virgin caps, neglected stencils, and a nostalgia tinged self-destructive streak i wanna paint all over the town.

ish.

i didnt work out today.

im so tired my eyes want to close, and im drinking, even though my stomach cant take it.

but my mind's whirring around despite it all. and all i care about is how puffy my face feels.

its feels fat. everything feels soft. my legs propped on this chair are driving me nuts because i still hate things touching. ugh. sick. i need to run.

they dont hurt enough from yesterday.

running six miles at 8:30 half drunk isn't normal.

but i think i have to do it or ill go crazy.

and im not doing anything, no one's here, no one's answering the phone.

so why not, right?

it's productive. ish.

and then.

24 minutes ago 1: 58 am 25 March 2011

23166) I eat normally, most of the time, I act normally, most of the time, and I sleep normally, most of the time. But then there are the times when I eat food I almost throw up and sometimes I do. When I sit in my room or in bed at night and just cry and cry and get up and pace around the house silently. When I don’t sleep at all because when I lie down to sleep I think. And when I think things get dangerous.

61 notes

36 minutes ago 1: 46 am 25 March 2011

23164) I don’t do this for my parents. Or the boy that catches my eye. Or even for someone just to notice me. I do this for myself. So that if even for a second, I can feel something else. When my stomach is hard and empty, and my legs are shaking, and arms trembling, that’s when I almost feel pretty. And that’s the closest thing to happiness I know.

70 notes

42 minutes ago 1: 40 am 25 March 2011

23163) For the last 3 and a half years my life has been one self destructive cycle. I starve until I can barely walk, then eat everything I can fit into my stomach and force it all out, then exercise until i feel like I’m going to faint. I wouldn’t call it living, but it’s become my way of life. My escape from reality. From all the hurt and confusion. No one cares. No one understands. Every comment they make. Things that they do and and don’t do. I can relate them all right back to me. My mind twists everything into hateful thoughts. I just want to feel something besides pain. And if even for a second, after starving for so many days, or exercising for so many hours, I feel something different, I feel empty, that’s how I know it’s all worth it. Emptiness. Beauty. It’s what I’m killing myself for.

20 notes

2 hours ago 12: 18 am 25 March 2011

23149) I used to have a beautiful singing voice. Then my throat got destroyed from having bulimia and I’ll never be able to sing like how I used to. This makes me want to die.

11 notes

sxsw2011

more uploading, and the quality is iffy but fuck it. that show made me a happy girl.

.maybe you can.

it took me ten minutes to stop throwing up after my stomach dropped.

i was getting ready to sleep.

managed to tightly curl up, like thatd keep what needed to stay inside trapped.

i think my heart stopped for a second.

like what?

i dont know, but my stomach turned.

and i ran, and my head started hurting, but i made it.

i cried. and i got frustrated.

and i puked, and cried, and dry heaved.

i thought i got it.

so i tried to find it.

my hands shake too much.

i got there, but i started sobbing and wanted to throw up again.

i keep mixing my feelings.

im pissed.

i cry like a bitch when i want to take a hammer to someone's head.

if you can imagine.

anger and worry, love and confusion, and emptiness and sadness and anxiety.

i cant see it.

i wont see that.

i suppose im a weak person.

i care too much to shut down.

•MEETINGS•

ABA
DAY: Sunday
TIME: 4:45 pm - 5:45 pm
LOCATION: ABA Austin Book Study
Christ Workshop
212 E. Monroe St.
Austin, TX 78704
(2 blocks east of South Congress on Monroe)
MEETING TYPE *: closed

EDA

Mondays 6:30pm @ CSR (in the social work building) on the UT Austin campus. The door is next to the "UT Copy Center" and it says "CSR 1.108" on the door. Go past the main school of social work enterance, and it is a very discreet side door.

OA

Tuesday- 10am (Anorexia/Bulimia Focus) @Red River Church

12pm @Christ Workshop E. Monroe

Wednesday- 5:30 @Red River Church

ABA

DAY: Friday
TIME: 1:30 pm - 2:30pm
LOCATION: Christ Workshop
212 E. Monroe St.
Austin, Texas 78704
(2 blocks east of South Congress on Monroe)
MEETING TYPE *: Closed

EDA

Austin, TX Saturdays @ 3pm Recycled Reads Austin Public Library Branch (in the back right side meeting room).

confession-

if i had health insurance i'd recheck myself into treatment again.

but then again im not sure if i would, because i think i'd get fatter.

no, i would.

but thats not an option anymore.

fuck.

i wish i did it right the first time.

gastro-douchebaggery

i hate doctors. i hate having to go to them.

i hate my body for not being tougher.

dear body,

its food. fucking digest it.

or stop being hungry.

pick one.

im either broken or im not.

i dont have to eat and i dont have to care.

but im trying. im trying really hard.

so just fuckingpick one.

or ill pick it for you and it wont be the one you'll like.

i fucking hate you for being too strong to die, too weak to be unaffected, and too lazy to fight my head. i hate you because the one thing i want, you toy with.

"dont get to know that one" you say , "but here's a hint: there it is, there it isnt, and there's no hope if i choose not to give it to you"

body, youre vindictive.

i hate you because you seem to enjoy reminding me how badly i've treated you.

you never forget a thing.

but we arent that different, body.

i keep score too,

ruth

you'll never get it, either.

i'll never fully know you. but here, you'll never get this.

thing is, no one does.

sick, sad world.

aint it?

1 hour ago 6: 53 am 22 March 2011

23051) The worst part is the loneliness.

4 hours ago 4: 37 am 22 March 2011

23044) My body is covered in angry red lines, both self inflicted and natural. It’s disgusting.

22 notes

5 hours ago 3: 26 am 22 March 2011

23032) I learnt today that as long as you joke about it, no one worries. No one worries at all.

108 notes

6 hours ago 2: 16 am 22 March 2011

23020) People are scared of me now. It’s lonely.

11 hours ago 9: 05 pm 21 March 2011

22978) People depend on me. They don’t know I’m depressed. They see my smile and my attitude. I act like I’m okay. I’m dying on the inside. I don’t know why I’m doing this.

146 notes

17 hours ago 2: 55 pm 21 March 2011

22957) I want to eat, I want to starve, I want to be comfortable with my body. I want to have friends, I want to be alone. I want to live, I want to die. I’m not sure what I want anymore.

130 notes

19 hours ago 1: 26 pm 21 March 2011

22942) It’s like it’s the only thing I have control of these days. It’s really the only thing that seems fair.

24 notes

23 hours ago 9: 29 am 21 March 2011

22900) I hate how I don’t feel empty after purging.

31 notes

1 day ago 7: 30 am 21 March 2011

22880) I’d give anything to be normal, if such a thing exists. I’m sick and tired of waking up and only being able to think about calories, exercise and purging until I sleep. I’m sick and tired of people not understanding. I’m sick of my friends expecting me to listen to them, when they can’t listen to me. I’m sick of all the treatment. I’m sick of being sick.

15 notes

1 day ago 2: 39 am 21 March 2011

22856) I wish I could still have my own children in the future.

8 notes

1 day ago 2: 33 am 21 March 2011

22855) My life is just a series of embarrassments and awkward moments. I can’t stop torturing myself by thinking of how I spectacularly fuck everything up, school then university, friendships, relationships, money, my body…the only way to stop all these thoughts and be a good person is if I disappear.

30 notes

said it.

uren Zakes

Clear Window · Report

Today

i know booboo

i know

uggggggh i just wish he like, knew. like, knew how much shit -- gave me and how its like fucked my head up and that ---- made me monumentally more attached to him than i should be. thats it. i just wish -- knew i do love him. then id be fine

and -- doesnt know about the ---

dont tell him

at least not now while he is giving you shit

oh god no.

you dont need more shit from him about that

neverrrrrrr

it.would.be.the.worst.

like, legit. NEVER.

buuuut... yeah. dude. totally. i will def talk --- tomorrow

and be like. heeeey. hows it goin? ------?

no right now,--- and i...i dunno.

no.

haha

way more sly that that obviously

--- didnt even say BYE to me dude

what the fuck

thats really fucked up

hes supposed to be my bestfriend

he pulled this anger shit on me.

yeah

not ok

hes just jel

fucking got in my face telling me shit is my fault or something(?) im turning into a --- wife and im going to -----. and then like. nothing

not that it excuses his behvior

but still

totally fucked up

dont listen ----

hes just trying to get under youir skin

well he did.

he's beating you below the belt and trying to piss you off saying things that he knows will fuck with you

and its really fucked up

and you should not let it upset you

and the worst is im like, well he cant be right. he just wants to be right.

even though its hard... you cant let him upset you or worry you

and if anything bad happens to --. i dunno. i feel like --- will just be smirking going "see, i told you so"

and. i cant help it. i love that dude. and i guess -- knows it. but really. it wasnt fair. and he like, never apologised or anything

thats the worst fucking reaction

if something happens to --. like something fucked up.. the only feeling he should have is loss and empathy

he shouldnt rub it in your face

you cant help who you like

and he shouldnt make you feel bad about who you care about

no. he already said hed feel exactly how he would feel if/when (yes he said when) -- died. like "well, thats what you get"

for being in the ---

like, thats what happens

you die

and thats the vilest shit hes ever said

and hes said some really not okay shit to me

thats fucking wrong

totally.fucking.wrong

i mean.. obviously danger is in the job title

but you dont fucking say that

and thats what makes the--- so fucked up

well, duh. but if --- was a fucking firefighter he wouldnt say thaty shit

your friends, family and loved ones go and all you can do is sit on your ass with a bottle of andre and worry about them

yeah.

and support them

and others should support you for loving and supporting them

im fucking pissed at ---

it sucks. no one gets it. everyone just thinks im fucking stupid.

shit HE thinks im stupid.

its not like i went "gee, whos the most inconvenient person to fall in love with" and went oh! --! totally

i just do. and even --- said im dumb for loving him, and theyre like, besties. it's like, no wonder --- thinks no one should care about him. no one fucking does.

dude

you arent dumb for loving him

love is something we dont have control over

we cant help who we like or love ever

i know, and id love him regardless. because hes my friend above else, and someone i really, genuinely care about. whatever the capacity. i just feel so much better when hes around. i havent felt solid since he left. i forgot what that felt like. and after the ------- shits been psychotic and it sucks because i keep trying to get happy again and i cant. and it makes me feel really, really retarded. .

yeah

that makes sense

i totally understand

ugh

feelings

i dont think ill ever forgive -- for all this. its not okay. to make me feel like this when i already kindof do

like, you think all of that didnt occur to me? like, --- friends die all the time. guys with wives and kids and shit. like i never thought how that must feel. like i never questioned why anyone could live like that. and why id put myself in that situation. and its like, duh. because you love the shithead. and because of that, im gonna do that anyway. and id rather worry and miss him and stress out than just date some stupid bike punk and be like, "wee, this is so easy, i dont give a fuuuuuck".

ugh.

i suck.

makes sense

i seriously havent had real feelings for someone

like.. ever

i mean. i have had crushes and shit. but not real feelings

if i did.. id do it too

i just dont want to add to all of it. ---deals with so much bullshit. and i try not to pile more on.

but i do.

and i know it.

and i do it anyway. and i feel like a twat.

ugh

i know baby

ugh. sleep. i have to sleep.