i have the best distractions

but....then im home.

and i miss you. and its quiet. and i cant sleep.

and i feel profoundly lonely.

but ill live.

still.

its all so amazing until you feel what youre really feeling.

these things, these rare, happy, fleeting moments all seem to have wishes and "if only"s attached to them.

in the back of my mind, it never stops.

so even drunk laughter sounds tinged with sadness.

today.

It's empty in the valley of your heart
The sun, it rises slowly as you walk
Away from all the fears
And all the faults you've left behind

The harvest left no food for you to eat
You cannibal, you meat-eater, you see
But I have seen the same
I know the shame in your defeat

But I will hold on hope
And I won't let you choke
On the noose around your neck

And I'll find strength in pain
And I will change my ways
I'll know my name as it's called again

Cause I have other things to fill my time
You take what is yours and I'll take mine
Now let me at the truth
Which will refresh my broken mind

So tie me to a post and block my ears
I can see widows and orphans through my tears
I know my call despite my faults
And despite my growing fears

But I will hold on hope
And I won't let you choke
On the noose around your neck

And I'll find strength in pain
And I will change my ways
I'll know my name as it's called again

So come out of your cave walking on your hands
And see the world hanging upside down
You can understand dependence
When you know the maker's hand

So make your siren's call
And sing all you want
I will not hear what you have to say

Cause I need freedom now
And I need to know how
To live my life as it's meant to be

And I will hold on hope
And I won't let you choke
On the noose around your neck

And I'll find strength in pain
And I will change my ways
I'll know my name as it's called again

passages

"The old man swung his head back and forth. The way of the transgressor is hard. God made this world, but he didnt make it to suit everbody, did he?

I dont believe he much had me in mind.

Aye, said the old man. But where does a man come by his notions. What world's he seen that he liked better?

I can think of better places and better ways.

Can ye make it be?

No.

No. It's a mystery. A man's at odds to know his mind cause his mind is aught he has to know it with. He can know his heart, but he dont want to. Rightly so. Best not to look in there. It aint the heart of a creature that is bound in the way that God has set for it. You can find meanness in the least of creatures, but when God made man the devil was at his elbow. A creature that can do anything. Make a machine. And a machine to make the machine. And evil that can run itself a thousand years, no need to tend it. You believe that?

I dont know.

Believe that."

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------WOW------------------------------cantstopreadingthisbook----

heavy eyelids.

im so tired. considering what time i went to bed, i really shouldnt be conscious right now. i need to be un-exhausted. like, regain my ability to go and go and go and go and go and go...or if i cant need to not feel guilty for it. heh. yeah right. im not very accepting of my limitations, i dont like feeling weak- especially with seemingly easy shit like socializing. i mean, sure, i can wrap my head around being unable to ever do chin-ups, or like, wrestle a bear. the weird thing is that a lot of the time having to be consistently "on" and bear wrestling seem pretty much the same.

although. fairly certain bears dont hold witty commentary and an ability to listen to relationship issues in quite as high regard. so bear wrestling may be easier. chin-ups are the devil though.

fuck that shit.

today looks like it can go 2 ways:

1)i literally call it a wash at 9:30am and refuse to come out of my room until tomorrow...which means no gym. which means fat*.

2) i get up anyway, and at least go to the gym before deciding what im doing so the fat is balanced out by not-fat*. usually once im up and moving, im up and moving. moving/doing things makes me feel better in an "atleastimnotlayingaroundgettingfat" way but sometimes that just perpetuates everything. and i end up just as, if not more, tired tomorrow.

prob getting up.

*sorry, im tired, thats what i equate everything with when im tired....being/getting/acting** fat.

**and by "acting fat", i mean everything you think i do. even though its shitty. and discriminatory. and unfair. and alla that.

im sure you dont read this, but if you do, i miss you.

this on repeat:

i wont cry.

oops.

apparently,when you write absolutely nothing, and exit out of the screen, it posts anyway. so yeah, that was unintentional. just got home from sf, ill write more when im not a ball of exhaustion and hungover like hell.

dresses

fuck, ive been buying a lotta girlie shit lately. i totally blame the fake nails. something about having sparkley acrylic talons makes me wanna like, wear dresses and accessorize with more than black bandanas. im sure it's scary.

i dont know what the hell im doing these days. i wish i could say i did. im still in limbo mode in the grand scheme of things. like, im happy generally speaking (despite my consistent stream of overly emotional rambling posts) but there's this gaping discrepancy between my, i dont know, life and aspirations(?). im still not sure what they are or really how to begin if i knew, even.

i know what i like, i know what makes me happy, i know what i dont like, but they dont always align.

for example:

•i like/makes me happy•

-taking pictures

-learning

-being social

-traveling

-acting

-costumes

-political/spiritual/philosophical debates

-singing

-dancing

-riding/running/moving

-painting

-productive disobedience

-socio-ethnography

-laughter

-concepts

-ideas

soooooo yeah. trying to mesh all that into one entity is proving troublesome.

you know,

if i could i'd be there already.

long week.

People who talk about revolution and class struggle without referring explicitly to everyday life, without understanding what is subversive about love and what is positive in the refusal of constraints, such people have a corpse in their mouth.
Raoul Vaneigem

to the outside:

the dead leaves, they're on the lawn
for they don't have trees to hang their own.

hum.

didnt sleep til 5. woke up at 9, promptly passed out again til 3pm. its now 615 and ive only been conscious for three hours.

what the hell is wrong with me?

i didnt take my meds today, didnt wnt them to keep me up all night. and because there was no point really. i mean, what am i really going to do today? i dont even remember if there was anything i was supposed to do.

roomies mum still in hospital.

bloody vomit, which is funny considering when that happens to me its like, eh. no biggie.

sucks though.

being sick like that. deteriorating.

lrphotodoneness

the more you know...

''Smaller the hole, lower the number, less light, more depth of field per more time needed... more detail too. Higher the ap, more light = faster time, less detail, smaller depth of field.Still need a light meter. BTW, new lenses have IS, image stabilization. Allows faster shutter speeds w/less light, so you moving is less an issue; less tripod.''

thanks dad

fuck.

talk about zero to fucked up and back again. im so exhausted. sick to death of shit either being amazing or completely jacked. and i really love how it always gets put on me. theres maybe 5 or 6 people i will willingly deal with inordinate amounts of stress and bullshit. mostly because it doesnt register as stress and bullshit because i love them. and they deal with all of mine. and its just not an issue.

but.

bullying me into making decisions, treating me like im five or like im stupid, or cant think for myself, or guilting me into submission fucking sucks. it makes me feel like scum. honest to fucking god makes me feel like this dirty, stupid dependent little child . you want me to respect myself? you want me to mae my own decision and live my own life? then dont fucking berate me and call me names and judge my fucking actions everytime you arent consulted first. do i ever ask you for help? i didnt think so.

and im glad im leaving earlier because if i have to deal with anymore of this bullshit im going to lose it.

.......

i hope i made the right decision.

i just cant seem to get it right these days.

im okay if i dont think. i need a distraction so i can tune out....its too quiet here.

im ready to not feel like this anymore.

dammit.

you did this to yourself, silly silly girl.

exact.

Anxious and worrying, so you spend your whole life hurrying,
searching for something better than what you knew before
and always knowing you are you and you are going to even up the score,
is that what you're always fighting for?
It's a long way back to a place once called home you left behind
and it's a long night out with nothing much to say,
and it's the things you hold in sight that you dream less of every night
until you guess it never mattered anyway.
And we've all got hearts and they keep beating
and they keep telling us what we should say
and it's hard to listen anyway but these days
we are in tune with the way we love
the afternoon as it fades slowly to a restful night.
Everything is magic until it becomes routine,
in your bedroom, on the road or in the corners of your dreams,
and I sure hope we aren't just spinning our wheels.
Whatever happens, I think you should know
I'm just glad it feels like anything at all.
So don't push me down, I don't go down easy.
And don't pick me up just to see me be the boy you knew.
It's just the distance between we and who we wish
that we could be don't seem so far, I guess, as it did so long ago.

-"anxious and worrying" defiance,ohio

YESSSSS

IM GOING TO SAN FRANCISCO BETCHES!

dolores park, castro, pretty bikes and melanieeeeeee!

whew.

okay.

had to get that out of my system.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------moving on-----

i woke up ass early, almost thought id been glutened again, but then realised i simply ate too goddamn much at like, 4am so my body just hated me. in any case, i got up and felt better after coffee and my stomach meds kicked in. snowed last night here...

kinda.

we got maybe and inch max, and due to the fact that its texas everyone went batshit. pretty much all melted now, its actually gorgeous outside, i may go to the gym in a lil bit but theres been a bazillion wrecks today so driving might be silly. just riding around might work, gym tomorrow is a must though. cant be getting all fat and gross, last thing i want is to show up in sf and be like "hey, dont mind me i just gained ten pounds in the six months since ive seen you" okay. maybe not ten, but it feeeeeels like ten.

anyway.

i found tickets to sf for 200$ roundtrip, and i got them bitches.

heh. i lasted, what, a month here? already climbing the walls.

i think this time im going to seriously talk with mel about moving, as in who would need a roomie/rent/work/school etc.

i just need a change.

i know the shit in my head wont stay in austin, its alwys going to rear up wherever i go. but. still. its nice knowing san francisco is MINE. it isnt my moms or my dads (although he went to art school there), it isnt an ex's or a place i discovered with one. i went there alone. shit, that summer was the most fucked up summer ever. ay possible awful thing that could happen did. pretty sure i wouldnt have lasted. so, the tickets were a birthday present from my bestie. kindof a consolation prize for not being able to afford visiting a girlfriend in cambodia. it was the only city i could come up with i genuinely wanted to see. mel met me up there, but i had a good three days all to myself to poke around and do what i wanted. and another four or five to just fuck off. i had soooo much fun. mel ended up moving there that december, and i wish i had done the same. so i guess i get to see if falling in love with a city can last two years without it going stale from neglect. we shall see, kids.

"you are loved"

"And as the story unfolds over time, things we once knew they do dissolve into the sky. She swears she sees a brand new constellation every time somebody we know dies, it is no consolation prize but we’ll remember you. So to get good sleep at night, silence the oracles, they’re singing from inside. Nobody really wants to know the future, we just want to hear “you’ll be alright” and we’ll be alright. These days they will find us learning that we had it all wrong; but these days they will find us unashamed because we were learning all along, and the radio plays a familiar song.

And to this magic we hold on, I just don’t want to feel its loss until it’s gone. It was in an eerie glow I finally left you lonely, left the TV on. If I have one regret it’s letting this whole nihilistic shit charade live on! You know it scares the hell out of me when my friends think they have nobody to lean on! …And the radio plays a familiar song.

And in the darkness of my room I keep conversing with the man in the moon. I know he’s going to tell me something that I want to hear I bet it’ll happen soon because all the books I have read just don’t read right, say to save your soul you’ve got to hide yourself inside, or forget about the world that you perceive, no, we are here for such a little while. These days they will find us learning that we had it all wrong, but these days they will find us unashamed because we’ve been learning all along, and the radio plays a familiar song and you are loved you are loved you are really loved."

dreaming under the influence

dreamt last night we were in new york. my house was far enough away from our other friends so we'd drive through times square. thats how i knew. my house looked like miami, or tuscon. sunny and flat and everything looked like a hotel room you'd find in a wes anderson movie. new york looked a lot like miami at night, come to think of it. i remember missing you the whole time, or feeling excited when i would see you, but you always showed up when you said you would. so i never missed you very long. the last time i saw you, you were coming over. my mom and my sister were there, maybe roger. zan was 6 or 7. i wasnt wearing makeup, my hair was normal. in a ponytail. i remember you knocking, seeing it out of the window. i hugged you and i saw my reflection in your sunglasses and i was ugly. my face was fat. i threw my hands up so you wouldnt see. your arm was red and shiny. the tattoo was all red. thick ornamental things, too glossy with a&d to make out. i asked you about it. the tattoo artist was someone you'd dated a long time ago, i was jealous. you said it was only sad when she left, because her husband got the snow off the car door for her. she said "thanks, babe" so happily it reminded you that people were good to each other. and that made you profoundly sad. it made me sad too.

-------------------------------------------------------------cut.----------------------------

i woke up crying.

partially because it was a dream, and you werent there. and partially from this deep ache i still feel in my chest.

i knew i was going to be sick.

the weirdest dreams i have when ive been glutened. theyre the most vivid, i remember them best.

but they mean im going to really, really not like my life when i wake up.

i spent an hour vomiting. im only writing this down to see if its over. i need to go to school.

i just want to curl in a ball and have someone rub my back.

having to take care of yourself sucks sometimes.

scissorsandtoilets

stop thinking.

go to bed.

you can do this.

you dont need any of that,

done it before

with no help

so do it again

after all

no ones gonna stick around

long enough to see how you make it

anyway

and they all just think youre

fucked up

to begin with.

those starry eyes

are only shining on what

theyve got

reflecting off you

and when

the lights go out they

only dream of themselves

get it together girl

you aint that

spectacular

you got a loud voice

and loud ideas

tend to cover everything

you dont really know

which is a lot

all that uncertainty

makes others

unsure

gotta knack for making things

heavy too soon

and you talk about dying

like you wish

it was your last day on earth

hoping somebody knew

all you wanted was

everything

all you expected was

nothing

and the space between them

was a void

and another thing.

one of the stars in your eyes has gone out, so we lay back on the rooftop late at night in hopes that a shooting star might take root in the hole in your head.

im never going to write anything you havent heard before. there isnt anything terribly profound about my experience, my thoughts, realizations or failures. im really not interesting. if anything, i find my habitual circular logic to be insufferably boring.

look! im happy! nevermind the bullocks, here's some mediocre photos i took!

look! im exhausted! here's some melodramatic music i can muse over while i berate myself publicly!

look! im annoyed! im going to curse self-righteously about the idiocy of others while continuing the same destructive behavior patterns i was doing in the exhausted stage, but now youre distracted!

there's nothing more humbling than realizing you're a stereotype.

fuck.

am i really this asinine? have i really wasted this many months fundamentally repeating this same bullshit over and over again?

what the hell.

no wonder im alone, i have got to be one of the most overly sensitive, ridiculously needy clusterfucks of a human being ever created. yeesh.

way to be a strong, independent adult. i feel like a goddamn infant.

a needy, attention seeking, self destructive, angry, confused 25 year old baby.

heh.

to think, tomorrow it'll all be different.

but completely the same.

,

miss this

and this

aw.

potlucks and ukeleles

things

there are things that make me sad because they cant be undone.

there are things that make me sad because they cant be controlled.

there are things that make me sad because theyll never be what theyre ment to be.

there are things that make me sad because they have no one to be sad for them.

there are things that make me sad because they mean ill always be alone.

there are things that make me sad because they will never change.

there are things that make me sad because they prey on my anxiety.

there are things that make me sad because they make me so happy.

sadstill.

Please sir don't you ride on me.
Everyday we fuss and fight.
Please girl don't you die on me.
Everyday we fuss and fight.
"Neither one of us will make it down this,

hill alive" She said.

hug.

i know itll be better tomorrow.

i know itll be better tomorrow.

i know itll be better tomorrow.

i know itll be better tomorrow.

i know itll be better tomorrow.

i know itll be better tomorrow.

i know itll be better tomorrow.

i know itll be better tomorrow.

i know itll be better tomorrow.

i know itll be better tomorrow.

i know itll be better tomorrow.

really.

ill be fine.

wakeupskipschoolcryabunch

got 3/4ish hours of sleep. alarm woke me up and i just stayed there. then i realised my alarm was for 9am. my class is at 9:10. dumbassery.

it was grey and raining, now the suns coming out.

makes me more depressed when its pretty.

like, this weather can be shit and then sunny and i cant do the same thing

i just so tired. so so so tired. crying in bed all day i suppose.

works out, considering i cant talk without my voice cracking or saying something totally asinine.

for a mind so dumb dumb dumb youd think it stop whirring about so i could sleep sleep sleep.

im getting so fat.

gross.

nopestillnotsleeping

oh.

third night in a row ill get under 4hours of sleep.

we all know the super fun amazingness when im exhausted right?

yeah well.

the last few days havent been shining examples of, well, anything.

im spacing out again.

i need a hug.

or a vacation.

preferably one that doesnt require me coming back to this.... i guess. its hard to do right when the whole city reminds you of every mistake you've ever made.

notquitetiredyet