mmm.

ive certainly been a fucking bummer lately.

i almost died yesterday, and got a real bed today.

shits weird.

well

i dreamt i could see every bone in your face.

i remember thinking,

"well, thats a lot worse than he said it was"

arms, i told you i understood

why people killed themselves.

i do.

there are times i understand more.

tonight i remember.

its the feeling that no matter what, you will never be okay.

no matter how hard to push and fight you can never win.

that reaching out, asking, screaming for help is ignored.

its feeling like a problem, or a situation, or a burden.

its feeling really cold.

its feeling empty.

its the feeling that no one can love you.

that youre broken and inconsequential.

its waking up and crying.

its making coffee and crying.

its going to the store and crying.

its being overwhelmed by existing.

being overwhelmed by gravity.

its feeling weak and wretched for being weak and wretched.

its wishing someone cared enough to stop you.

its knowing you will succeed because no one does.

its the weight of your head being too much.

im just really cold.

i wish i were hollow.

so when i fall i could crumble to pieces.

turn to ash.

blow away.

cutcutcutcut

all i do is fuck things up.

im a needy needy little evil thing.

i just want to stop.

i want it to be okay.

but it isnt.

it never will be.

and its my fault.

i just wish it werent always my fault.

ugh.

i just want to stop crying.

what the fuck. why cant i stop crying?

thieves, trips, trauma

liferightnowinanutshell.

nola was great, unfortunately im back and feel like shit. i cried in a fucking cvs.

seriously.

my bike was stolen, i hate living here, i feel completely isolated and lonely, and being in this apartment feels so toxic and fucked up. i cried the minute i walked in. ive been crying all day. i have a fucking fever. i just want to leave all my shit and get the fuck out.

i miss everything all the time.

and i hate it.

more dead shit.

hit a possum. felt it, heard it crack. i pulled over.

trail of blood into the bushes.

little broken thing carried its mangled self to die alone out of sight.

i dont even like possums.

still.

i sobbed hysterically the whole way home.

by these calculations....

Day	Weight	Calories Used	Your Calorie Deficit
04/12/2011	105.18	1555.49	1055.49
04/19/2011	103.08	1544.04	1044.04
04/26/2011	101	1532.71	1032.71
05/03/2011	98.95	1521.51	1021.51
05/10/2011	96.91	1510.43	1010.43
05/17/2011	94.9	1499.47	999.47
05/24/2011	92.91	1488.63	988.63
05/31/2011	90.94	1477.91	977.91
06/07/2011	89	1467.3	967.3
06/14/2011	87.07	1456.8	956.8
06/21/2011	85.17	1446.43	946.43
06/28/2011	83.28	1436.16	936.16
07/05/2011	81.42	1426	926
07/12/2011	79.57	1415.96	915.96
07/19/2011	77.75	1406.02	906.02
07/26/2011	75.95	1396.2	896.2
08/02/2011	74.16	1386.47	886.47
08/09/2011	72.4	1376.86	876.86
08/16/2011	70.65	1367.35	867.35
08/23/2011	68.93	1357.94	857.94
08/30/2011	67.22	1348.63	848.63
09/06/2011	65.53	1339.43	839.43
09/13/2011	63.86	1330.32	830.32
09/20/2011	62.21	1321.31	821.31
09/27/2011	60.57	1312.41	812.41
10/04/2011	58.95	1303.59	803.59
10/11/2011	57.35	1294.88	794.88
10/18/2011	55.77	1286.25	786.25
10/25/2011	54.21	1277.72	777.72
11/01/2011	52.66	1269.29	769.29
11/08/2011	51.13	1260.94	760.94
11/15/2011	49.61	1252.69	752.69
11/22/2011	48.11	1244.52	744.52
11/29/2011	46.63	1236.45	736.45
12/06/2011	45.17	1228.46	728.46
12/13/2011	43.72	1220.56	720.56
12/20/2011	42.28	1212.74	712.74
12/27/2011	40.86	1205.01	705.01
01/03/2012	39.46	1197.36	697.36
01/10/2012	38.07	1189.8	689.8
01/17/2012	36.7	1182.32	682.32
01/24/2012	35.34	1174.91	674.91
01/31/2012	34	1167.59	667.59
02/07/2012	32.67	1160.35	660.35
02/14/2012	31.35	1153.19	653.19
02/21/2012	30.05	1146.1	646.1
02/28/2012	28.77	1139.09	639.09
03/06/2012	27.49	1132.16	632.16
03/13/2012	26.23	1125.3	625.3
03/20/2012	24.99	1118.52	618.52
03/27/2012	23.76	1111.81	611.81
04/03/2012	22.54	1105.18	605.18
04/10/2012	21.34	1098.61	598.61
04/17/2012	20.14	1092.12	592.12
04/24/2012	18.97	1085.69	585.69
05/01/2012	17.8	1079.34	579.34
05/08/2012	16.65	1073.06	573.06
05/15/2012	15.51	1066.84	566.84
05/22/2012	14.38	1060.69	560.69
05/29/2012	13.26	1054.61	554.61
06/05/2012	12.16	1048.59	548.59
BY MY BDAY	NEXT	YEAR	I WONT EXIST

this is a story about a girl.

the girl learned to read early, her favorite colors were bright ones. she drew armless people. people with hair that went from neon yellow to neon orange to neon pink because at three, she knew the color spectrum.

the girl wrote backwards.

everything. the letters themselves, the words they formed.

perfectly backward.

the girl grew older.

the girl learned to read things she was too young to read. she drew people with arms and eyes, but no mouths. their hair was garnet and emerald and sapphire because, at five, she found the darkness comforting.

the girl still wrote backwards.

everything. the letters themselves, the words they formed.

the girl knew backward wasnt perfect.

the girl is no longer a girl.

the no-longer-girl reads things that are wordless; glances and sighs. she draws people with arms and eyes and mouths the way they taught her. their hair is black or blonde or brown because they got mad otherwise.

the no-longer-girl still writes backwards.

everything. the letters themselves, the words they formed.

the no-longer-girl no longer cares.

odds are.

everyone wants a piece of you when youve got nothing to give.

Wkbk babble: 6) Perfection

What would it take for you to forgive yourself for not being perfect? What would you need in order to be willing and able to do this?

this is going to post as being written the 31st. it's the 3rd....so ive sat on this question for four days. instead of waxing philosophical about the concept of perfection and how it relates to me, all i can really think to say is this:

i never wanted to be perfect. i just wanted to be enough.

just occurred to me.

its almost three months later and i still half expect you to knock of my door.

theres someone in the complex with your truck, its comedic how i keep falling for it.

maybe eventually, right?

eventually i'll stop getting a little disappointed when i walk into a room and dont see you.

it's just a little emptier, is all.

speaking of sunsets

"Belief ain't like unbelief. If you a believer then you got to come finally to the well of belief itself and then you don't have to look no further. There ain't no further. But the unbeliever has got a problem. He has set out to unravel the world, but everthing he can point to that ain't true leaves two new false things layin there"

-The Sunset Limited

on the road again. maybe.

this weekend im going to nola. friends birthday roadtrip type thing. part of me is excited, part of me is scared knowing the inevitability of drunk discussions about things i dont want to talk about. being trapped. making sure everyone survives. the usual.

in three weeks, if i choose to, i can go see my friend who just moved to san diego for the weekend. if not then, me and another friend were training it to la; we'd stop for a day or two to visit san diego when we went through. while i would rather train it, im sick of trusting people's intentions to do things and not follow through. there's a big part of me that'd rather just go when i wanted and assess the next trip when and if it came. i dont know. i would like to think i learned my lesson the last time i just got a bug up my ass and peaced out. san francisco. oh god. the weather sucked, i felt lost, weird, and i ended up basically at the apartment getting drunk and wishing i'd brought more than one long sleeved shirt. came home just, if not more, fucked up than i had been when i left.

i just want some peace. i want laughter and sunshine. i want to feel safe. i dont think thats on a beach in california. i dont think that's anywhere.

fuck it if i wont find it out the hard way, it's the only way i know.

it dont take much..

..to make feel a little less uneasy.

hope you know i appreciate it.

thanks.