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i really didnt want to think of a word. so look, hit option and random shit appears when you hit letters. its fucking magical. pffft.

so me going to "all my classes" is prob going to be more like me going to one of my classes. my last class starts in half an hour. im in bed. i have no pants on. and most importantly, i really really REALLY dont have any desire to move right now. fuck. fuck. fckity fuck.

no, actually, my BODY doesnt want to move. my MIND hasnt shut up about school and doctor appointments and checklists and everything else under the sun in ages. my minds going "get up you lazy asshole, DO SOMETHING" and my body's just lounging on the couch flipping it off.

see, i know my body is tired. it's the one thats lost all the sleep had its heart rate sped up because of this medication and gets knocked into shit when im half awake. and when my body is tired my mind goes of the hinges. when im exhausted i get cranky as shit, human interaction overwhelms me, any sort of obligation causes me to panic. like right now. i wish someone actually knew what this is like, to be so tired you dont even want to leave the house but so anxious you cnt sleep. its FRUSTRATING.

i feel like my body fucking hates me.

like, it shouldnt be this weak. mind over matter right? so why can't i will it to go faster and do more and not be so achey and sleepy and weepy and needy all the time. i will sleep, i will rest it, but i have to do shit too, and my body just doesnt want to do anything. it took me half an hour to will myself up to pee. im not exaggerating here.

and i wish i could be patient. i wish i could be like, "okay body, i know you're super tired so how about we lay around all day and ill see if one of my friends will drive me to whatever errand i have and then ill come home and take a tylenol pm at 9 and all will be well."

buuuuuuuut in reality its like this:

"dammit body it's almost 1pm how are we just getting up and holy shit i have five, FIVE texts from different people ALL wanting to do shit and ALL wanting to know what im doing and dammit body get up we have to answer these and shit i need coffee, fuck whats today? i have to go (insert errand/school/actual obligation), dammit okay well i can do that on the way to do whatever and try and get everyone in the same spot so its not like friend then friend then friend then ill come home and rest, right? okay. oh fuck its so and so's birthday tonight and there's some ride to some show okay well ill bring you home early body, ill rest tomorrow, promise."

everyday.

EVERYDAY.

i joked about turning my phone off and just hermiting out for a day or two and i realised like, tomorrows a buddy's birthday(actually, two peoples birthdays but i thiiiink one of them is waiting til friday or sat to do anything. bless her fucking soul), thursday= amazing graf show AND the start of bff (and school. ha. priorities), friday=queer bomb fundraiser and bff, saturday=more birthdays and bff, sunday=polo tournament, bff and a friends bday party/benefit.

ill be dead monday. a zombie by thursday for florida. and thank fucking god by travel buddy is amazing and not a super party time "go go go" person. and is stressed too. so beaches, farmers market cookery, vintage shopping and intercity bike riding is about as insane as we're getting. maybe some dancin. sleeping is a definite go though.

OH. ANNNNNNND the writer/producer of that movie shit just rewrote the script, emailed it to us, and wants schedules for december shooting. december is like, tomorrow. december is also a ginormous traveling clusterfuck. luckily, im only shooting 3 days, so yeah. ill deal with that when i need to i guess. i've been cast in this thing since like, september so im kinda like, "meh." at this point.

whew.

okay i feel better now.

list.

1. sleep

2. stop with the b/p

3. no really, stop it.

4.must.start. going. to. meetings. again.

5.get paint

6. use it

7.ask for hugs

8. tell the truth

9. handle your business

10. really, stop b/p

nye

just occurred to me i'll literally be completely by myself this year, house sitting in boston. don't know how i feel about that.

sad, i guess.

a little alone, perhaps.

not sure.

food.

feel a little bit better with some sleep.

im still tired, and i really have to work on being so hard on myself for having like, limitations. or still being really, really sensitive about my body and what people say about it. or something.

especially around the holidays. the holidays are shitty for me, mostly because for almost a decade they were the only times my family was all able to collectively give me shit about what i was or wasnt eating at the time. by "give me shit" i suppose what i mean is worriedly watch everything i did, talk in hushed voices to my mom and dad about whether i was "okay", dance around me like i was made of glass. i dont know, it was all with love i guess, but i knew what was going on. i mean, im not stupid. but it sucked, because believe it or not, i hate that kind of attention. im loud and shit, but thats to distract people from everything relevant to who i really am. and that period of time i felt lost enough without having what i looked like be the 24/7 focus. ball of fucking anxiety. anyway, to this day i immediately react defensively when people ask me about what im eating or if they should bring anything special for me. it just reminds me of when everything was centered around my fucking eating disorder and makes me really uncomfortable. so you can imagine thanksgiving sucks. luckily, most people i chose to be around either a) dont really give a shit who eats and who doesnt as long as everyones having a good time or b) just let me take care of myself and navigate the food situation as i will.

i mean, 90% of the time i will eat, it just takes me a while. and honestly, the minute it's brought up my little rebellious ed kicks in and any chance of me relaxing enough to behave like a normal human goes out the window. last thanksgiving i made roasted vegetables and for the first half of the dinner party i picked at those before actually getting anything anyone else brought. and then it was cool. until someone i was dating at the time pointed out i was eating a bunch of mashed potatoes.

here's a tip: NEVER TELL A GIRL WITH AN EATING DISORDER SHES EATING 'A LOT'.

especially when she isnt concerned about it. especially on thanksgiving. especially when it was after riding 23 miles and having only eaten roasted goddamn vegetables all day. especially if you dont want her to immediately start debating the pros and cons of shoving her fingers down her throat.

DUH.

so yeah. im not perfect, im still weak in triggering situations, and for better or worse if im feeling too tired to deal with it, i will remove myself and wait til im up for shit again. if im worried thanksgiving dinner is going to end with my head in the toilet i dont eat it. when im hungry later and shit isnt so frantic i know ill eat and itll be cool.

i know this is long, i just needed to get it all out, and i know there's people reading this going "holy fuck, bitch is crazy". eh. i dont really give a fuck. if you didnt know i had an eating disorder now you do. and i dont think im alone being triggered emotionally by holidays, may be some of you just drink more or cry more, or lock yourselves in rooms and refuse to come out til after new year.

im feelin alright today i guess. i guess im thankful for that.

rant.

omgomgomgimgetttingsofatthisisntcuteanymorewhythefuckamidrinkingishouldntbethisgatomgmythighsaretoughingandmyarmslookfucinghugeinalltheseoicturesandimyclothesarealltightandihavefoodinmystomachnoeandijustwanttosobandiwanttogetitallgoneandbenothingbutatragainifuckinghatetheholidaysiveforgottenmyselfiletgoandnowimhugeandacharacaurofmyselfandithastostop.howdidthishappennoreallyhowdidthishappenwhenididigetadoublechiniwsaeroihaveadoublechinsanditsofuckingdisgustinghowthefuckdidmyassgetsofatitgothugeeveryoneissayinghowbugmyassisstoplookingatitstopsayinghowbigitisitisntacomplimentitssickstopitstopitstopitleavemealoneimnotjustsomebitchwhodrinksihatedrinkingihaventdrankalldayimsofatandihatemyselfforgettingthisloosewitheverythingtryingtobenormalimsuchadisgustingfailureijustwantmybonesback.

DANG(!)

dangsgiving, yall.

fav holiday of the year. i feel so goddamn lucky to be able to say i've known all those jerks since it was still socially acceptable to be as epically awesome as we all still behave. every year has its 'holy shit" moment though and this year was no different.

i literally got sprayed in the face with andre from beyond the grave.

it was beautiful.

i fucking miss you austin. we all do. and you know, im kinda not sorry for scammin on you when you weren't legal. but i am sorry for trying to hook you up with my little sister...who isnt really into your, er, gender....godammit dude, you got me good.

you fucking rule.

love love love love

youtube

monday nights with brendan and co....mostly consist of finding amazing videos online and giggling.

here, for your enjoyment....

*cuntsparrer:

*kittens inspired by kittens:

*bitches aint shit...:

*marcel the shell:

triggers.

wowza.

i hadnt seen tucson pictures in a long time.

seen so many pictures of myself this way, i got used to it.

really, genuinely forgot what i looked like then.

feel weird now.

not in the way i should.

fail.

ugh. guess im getting old. or i really HAVENT been sleeping as such i was hoping. but im exhausted. and, despite sewing some epic hotpants for the tranarchy festivities, really, really, really just want to lay outside under some trees and stare at the stars and cuddle. im just not up for raging these days even though i want to be. being at home makes me anxious, and i miss being able to just grab some stencils and paint and hop on my bike and make an epic night out of just making art with my best friend.

it's absolutely amazing outside tonight, and for some reason there's only a couple of people on the face of the earth i really want to be around. im not the type to settle for whatever is convenient. which is inconvenient. if i could id just get all dolled up and ride it out til i felt it was socially acceptable to tap out, but all id feel at the end of the night was lonely. i feel like im biding my time, waiting. and im very impatient on the inside.

my brain is always restless. it just keeps going and going and going. even when my body is tired and devoid of any energy, my brain keeps whirring. i have a million ideas, a million thoughts i want to discuss, a million spots and roofs and yards ive found and no one to share them with. it's difficult. i feel like a total contradiction; i want to be free but need a companion. i want to be social, but only with certain people. everything else feels forced. its exhausting. i have no home base person anymore, and most of the time i dont really feel like i have a home base period.

i dont like needing things, i dont like feeling as if i need rescuing, i dont like being that kind of person. it confuses me. i hate obligation, it makes me anxious. i dont like being one half of a "we". i think thats sick and unhealthy.it weirds me out, this concept of losing yourself in another person. yet im a total fucking girl about people i dont even know, really. i still find it utterly romantic, this bonnie and clyde kind of shit. partners in crime, awesome people doing awesome shit because theyre stoked on doing it.

i guess im staying in, staring at the sky, and making art by myself.

freeze.

i cant turn my mind off. the quiet makes everything whir and hum.

the last time i think i slept without running myself into exhaustion was like, a month ago.

i wish it werent so cold. it was beautiful riding tonight. itd have been a good night to go play in the park and sleep under an old oak tree.

loves

sleep.

probably not, but i can hope.

this makes me miss you being around.

i'm okay though, it's a good kind of miss.

ohhhh

my aching fucking ovaries.

liked it better when i never got one of these.

teehee

i only go places with songs about them.

wee

so far my december/beginning of january looks like this:

austin>>miami>>boston/nyc>>boston>>austin>>boston/nyc>>austin.

it's a bit coast heavy. but all my west coast peoples are either here now, or like, i dunno. i dont really want to go to california. at least not now. i'd rather see some beaches not slicked with oil and gasoline (yet), wander around a state ive never been to before, get in a bit of snow, eat some trident fries, bust my ass riding bikes in inclement weather and almost die on the china town bus.

and you know, hug my mom and whatnot.

okay, im excited.

maybe if i survive that i'll actually be able to concentrate on the ridiculous amount of photo studios i have next semester.

too

too impulsive. too awkward. too loud. too opinionated. too picky. too tired. too distractable. too sensitive. too short. too drunk. too sober. too sad. too intellectual. too lazy. too naive. too fat. too reckless.

too much.

too much.

too much.

never enough.

dad.

today's my dad's birthday.

i could write a bunch about how rad he his, how much he loves me and would like, walk on hot coals and shards of glass to help me. i could wax nostalgic about painting with him in the studio, eating pancakes and watching the political round table shows on sunday mornings. rainy days we'd spend in old bookstores curled up in different corners reading all day. my dad taught me how to ride a bike (into a tree), how to load film, that vanilla extract makes EVERYTHING taste better. he put bacon in pancakes, apples in smoothies, and jelly in omlettes. when i weighed 65 lbs, other than apples and diet soda the only thing i would eat was his food: oatmeal in the mornings or spaghetti and this gravy type sauce he'd whip up whenever i wanted. he makes the best steamed veggies in the whole world. when my dog died he buried her and built a mosaic over her grave. being 16 and running around like a hellion in nyc my dad kept in daily contact with me, eventually came up to visit, brought food to my friends, shook their hands and hugged them for looking out for me, shot pictures of everyone when we went out that night. he taught me how to plant trees and build fences. my art eerily resembles his. i could talk about how traumatised he is now due to my obsession with the little mermaid- he's seen it at least 50 times.

yeah, my dad loves me.

he's always pushed me to be more than i thought i could be, encouraged me to do whatever it was that made me happy, to work hard, work harder. he's had to bear with me much, much more than any parent should. worrying about what random shit i was going to dream up to do with my life (that would directly contradict whatever i'd said the day before) has probably given him 20 ulcers and shaved 10 years off his life. part of me never wants to have kids because, karmically, they'd have to be serial killers (or total douchebags) to make up for the effort involved in making sure i lived to see 25.

even if he forgot it was my birthday when i was 18. (sorry dad, you know im neverrrrr letting you forget that)

so, dad, you rock. you're not perfect, or god (at some point you have to stop answering "what i have to do with it?" when i say "goddammit") but but i think you're the best dad i could've hoped for. and i love you.

happy fucking birthday.

mourn.

We were waking up
There was some blood coming from my mouth
And a little fear my heart
I knew the concern you were showing
As my lover dying in thought
As my breath became so shallow and sparse

It's been a long time since then
But I could feel myself repairing
Before I began to damage myself again
And I conceded my father and my brother just as well
We cannot escape the cause of this lifestyle

My breath is a hammer
My insides are taxed like an anvil
My heartbeat's a tremor
And I have not love but for nicotine

And I was sick all of the winter and summer aren't more the same
Was always sweatstained and frozen
Yet hot like an engine
And with sleep came the cursing
You know I
I like hands clasp themselves with conviction

There is little a man can do
When his body is bent on a reckoning
These wounds can be hidden so well
Yeah like a demon
And I can hear it in my voice, oh Lord
Can't you hear it too?
And it scares me almost to tears
As I know it will take you

My breath is a hammer
My insides are taxed like an anvil
My heartbeat's a tremor
And I have not love but for nicotine

My breath is a hammer
My insides are taxed like an anvil
My heartbeat's a tremor
And I have not love but for nicotine

hermit.

my fucking stomach hurts. im really tired, more so than i should be considering i (kinda) slept last night and quite literally left my house once yesterday. spent the whole day hermited up in my room, generally avoiding face to face interactions with human beings. i tend to need that about once a week. like a reset button.

so this morning, after sleeping through my first class (again) i made plans for post-school coffee in an effort to force myself out of the house through sheer guilt motivated obligation. i had the spare time so i went and got coffee when i was waiting to get my prescription filled, by the time i was done i was debating the pros and cons of self-induced iced coffee barfing. maybe i drank it too fast. i dunno. anyway, i made it home and am now quite literally wedged into the corner of our couch, in the fetal position, with my laptop balancing on my hip. it's cozy. but not terribly conducive to doing anything. which is cool, because im fairly devoid of motivation period these days. my brain's all foggy and scattered, impatient. i cant sit still, but i totally lack the desire to move. there's a consistent urge to be carried everywhere. preferably via piggy back.

maybe i need a nap.

or an actual sleep schedule.

either way im wishing my eyes would stop feeling so heavy, and hoping a ride on sparkle bike will get me sorted.

fingerscrossed.

eights.

its the third eighth. this one is harder.

fff.

air.

all i need is an open road and a hand to hold.

ghosts.

cant find a song that said what i wanted

and could highlight the shit that made sense of

the drinking/sinking/blank-stared blinking

but i bet it'd explain in articulate terms

why im constantly grasping at ghosts

chasing after breezes

created by ambiguous figments of an imagination

still too starry eyed for cityscapes

too hopeful for ironic disillusions

too connected to dissconnect

two wheels cant replace two arms

the warmth of kinetic motion will lose its glow

when all thats there after is an empty bed

and cold sheets.

ode.

let’s stop this talk of privilage because the songs that we sing are as much
a product of our privilage as the clothes on my back and the phone call i made
to my mom last night. let’s stop this talk of action because action comes easy
it’s the moments just before that are hard, when i’ve got to get my voice and
my fist on the same page as my heart. let’s stop this talk of them because the
things we find deplorable in politicians, ceos and cops are the same things
that will tear ourselves apart. and let’s stop this talk of words because words
like dishonesty selfishness and greed aren’t as distance to us as we’d like
to believe.

so please, the next time you’re smashing the state, don’t go breaking my heart.
because i know that when we pick up the pieces, the only thing left will be
the same empty rubble that’s made up every revolution that i’ve ever known to
make me believe and lose faith in humanity in the same empty breath of hot air.

they say that the beauty’s in the streets. but when i look around, it seems
more like defeat. i’m afraid that this fight that we’re all caught up in will
make us the same as that which we oppose.

so please, the next time you’re smashing the state, don’t go breaking my heart.
but i know that we can pick up the pieces and build something new, something
different. that’s not like every revolution that i’ve ever known that can make
me believe and have faith in humanity and we’ll all breath a breath of fresh
air.

if any

one needed any further proof what a goddamn gemini i am, i literally (LITERALLY) have not one, but TWO songs stuck in my head.

seriously. so take your pick:

crass.

Oh yeah? Well I've got it all up here, see?
Oh yeah? Oh yeah? When they think they've got it all out there, see?
They can fuck off, cos they ain't got me, they can't buy my dignity,
Oh yeah? Oh yeah? Let me tell you, I've got it all up here?

Tried to get me with a T.V. show,
But I wouldn't have none of it, no, no, no.
Standards and values on a black and white screen,
Sarah Farah Fawcett acting mean.
She's got the lot, that's what they want you to think,
Read between the lines, you'll see the missing link.
She's just a fucking puppet in their indoctrination plan,
"Be like me girls and become a real man,"
Live to the full, always act flash,
Don't use your brains when your body makes the splash.

Oh yeah? Oh yeah? Well I've got it all up here, see?
Oh yeah? Oh yeah? When they think they've got it all out there, see?
They can fuck off, cos they ain't got me, they can't buy my dignity,
Oh yeah? Oh yeah? Let me tell you, I've got it all up here?

Tried to get me in the supermarket store,
Bought what I wanted, they they said "buy more."
Mountains of crap that nobody really needs,
Gaily coloured wrappers to suit assorted greeds.
They've got the lot, that's what they want you to think,
Read between the lines, you'll see the missing link.
Buy this product, pay for the crap,
Quarter for the product, three quarters for the wrap.
Be a happy family, like the people on the pack,
Pay up to the profit, and you'll never look back.

Oh yeah? Oh yeah? Well I've got it all up here, see?
Oh yeah? Oh yeah? When they think they've got it all out there, see?
They can fuck off, cos they ain't got me, they can't buy my dignity,
Oh yeah? Oh yeah? Let me tell you, I've got it all up here?

Tried to get me with their learning and their books,
Deep understanding and intelligent looks,
All of the time, they never saw me,
They were just looking for what they wanted to see.
They've got the lot, that's what they want you to think,
Read between the lines, you'll see the missing link.
Books are easy backs for what they want to do to you,
Bind you up in slavery for the privileged few,
They'll prove their lies with history, say "that's the way it always was,
Accept the shit and slavery, be one of us."

Oh yeah? Oh yeah? Well I've got it all up here, see?
Oh yeah? Oh yeah? When they think they've got it all out there, see?
They can fuck off, cos they ain't got me, they can't buy my dignity,
Oh yeah? Oh yeah? Let me tell you, I've got it all up here?

Tried to get me with religion and with christ,
Said I'd get to heaven if I acted real nice,
But they were just preparing a crucifix for me,
A life of guilt, of sin, of pain, of holy misery.
They've got the lot, that's what they want you to think,
Read between the lines, you'll see the missing link.
The bible's just a blue print for their morality scene,
Just another load of shit on how it's never been.
They stand there in the pulpit, doling out their lies,
Offering forgiveness, then they talk of eyes for eyes.

Oh yeah? Oh yeah? Well I've got it all up here, see?
Oh yeah? Oh yeah? When they think they've got it all out there, see?
They can fuck off, cos they ain't got me, they can't buy my dignity,
Oh yeah? Oh yeah? Let me tell you, I've got it all up here?

Tried to get me, but I won't be got,
Say I'm a misfit but I say I'm not,
I never set out to profit from another,
Those smarmy bastards would steal from their mother.
They've got the lot, that's what they want you to think,
Read between the lines, you'll see the missing link.
They plundered and slaughtered in the name of truth,
Acceptance of normality is what they want from you as proof,
They think they've got the answers, but there's something that they miss,
Their cup which overfloweth, is JUST FULL UP OF PISS.

Oh yeah? Oh yeah? Well I've got it all up here, see?
Oh yeah? Oh yeah? When they think they've got it all out there, see?
They can fuck off, cos they ain't got me, they can't buy my dignity,
Oh yeah? Oh yeah? Let me tell you, I've got it all up here, see?

chill.

it was a grey day.

cold.

i've gotten fantastic at distracting myself.

mulling over work/travel exchanges anywhere i've never been.

should be asleep.

should be dreaming.

should be peaceful.

should be easy.

i just cant shake it.

i shouldnt be here.

i shouldnt be so small.

why not just walk away from everything i never knew i never cared about and throw my thumb out?

no one ever showed me how to let go.