grey.

tomorrow my life as it has been, in all its unstable, fucked up glory, will end. not literally, obviously. figuratively. i'm flying to a vacation i dont even want, at the worst time imaginable life-wise, in the worst weather for no good reason other than the fact i paid for it and ill have two pissed future roommates and one pissed mother to deal with if i backed out.

my body aches. i havent eaten today, i have no desire to. im crying as i write this, quietly so no one hears. but i suppose i shouldnt worry about that, my roommates are so excited about this trip i dont think they really understand what im leaving behind.

im petrified. im petrified of what will be left here when i come back. there is a gaping void in my chest that grows exponentially the closer it the clock gets to takeoff. im praying for a fever, for an instant flu, a miraculously broken foot, for anything, anything that will keep me off that fucking plane. anything that will keep me closer, closer, closer.

a part of me died tonight, and will continue rotting away for the rest of my life.