mad?

i wish i had a gauge on the side of my head that would show me when my happy chemicals were getting low. maybe another to show me when they were getting higher so id know there was hope. instead of just losing it and hoping the next day it would be different, better, more evened out. i can hope all i want, but every morning it's the same.

is it a bad sign when you wake up and are immediately disappointed?

the moment im quiet, and things are still i cant help but feel so insanely overwhelmed ive begun sobbing. all. the. time. i cry in the isles of convenience stores, in the bathroom stalls of bars, alone in the shower. there are lists of places i cant go anymore, that are haunted and weighted down by history.

my body has gone on autopilot. i behave as ive become accustomed to behave in order to illicit minimal concern. if people ask, i change the subject. i cant cry in front of anyone anymore. there is no one that matters enough to me to confide in.

and yet.

i just want to curl up in a safe lap and cry. and be held and be told itll all be alright in the way that makes you believe it, at least for that second.

but when there is no lap, no soothing words, or arms to hold you and you're left with only yourself....it becomes scary. and lonely.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cMouvawdbKc