fail.

ugh. guess im getting old. or i really HAVENT been sleeping as such i was hoping. but im exhausted. and, despite sewing some epic hotpants for the tranarchy festivities, really, really, really just want to lay outside under some trees and stare at the stars and cuddle. im just not up for raging these days even though i want to be. being at home makes me anxious, and i miss being able to just grab some stencils and paint and hop on my bike and make an epic night out of just making art with my best friend.

it's absolutely amazing outside tonight, and for some reason there's only a couple of people on the face of the earth i really want to be around. im not the type to settle for whatever is convenient. which is inconvenient. if i could id just get all dolled up and ride it out til i felt it was socially acceptable to tap out, but all id feel at the end of the night was lonely. i feel like im biding my time, waiting. and im very impatient on the inside.

my brain is always restless. it just keeps going and going and going. even when my body is tired and devoid of any energy, my brain keeps whirring. i have a million ideas, a million thoughts i want to discuss, a million spots and roofs and yards ive found and no one to share them with. it's difficult. i feel like a total contradiction; i want to be free but need a companion. i want to be social, but only with certain people. everything else feels forced. its exhausting. i have no home base person anymore, and most of the time i dont really feel like i have a home base period.

i dont like needing things, i dont like feeling as if i need rescuing, i dont like being that kind of person. it confuses me. i hate obligation, it makes me anxious. i dont like being one half of a "we". i think thats sick and unhealthy.it weirds me out, this concept of losing yourself in another person. yet im a total fucking girl about people i dont even know, really. i still find it utterly romantic, this bonnie and clyde kind of shit. partners in crime, awesome people doing awesome shit because theyre stoked on doing it.

i guess im staying in, staring at the sky, and making art by myself.