so me going to "all my classes" is prob going to be more like me going to one of my classes. my last class starts in half an hour. im in bed. i have no pants on. and most importantly, i really really REALLY dont have any desire to move right now. fuck. fuck. fckity fuck.
no, actually, my BODY doesnt want to move. my MIND hasnt shut up about school and doctor appointments and checklists and everything else under the sun in ages. my minds going "get up you lazy asshole, DO SOMETHING" and my body's just lounging on the couch flipping it off.
see, i know my body is tired. it's the one thats lost all the sleep had its heart rate sped up because of this medication and gets knocked into shit when im half awake. and when my body is tired my mind goes of the hinges. when im exhausted i get cranky as shit, human interaction overwhelms me, any sort of obligation causes me to panic. like right now. i wish someone actually knew what this is like, to be so tired you dont even want to leave the house but so anxious you cnt sleep. its FRUSTRATING.
i feel like my body fucking hates me.
like, it shouldnt be this weak. mind over matter right? so why can't i will it to go faster and do more and not be so achey and sleepy and weepy and needy all the time. i will sleep, i will rest it, but i have to do shit too, and my body just doesnt want to do anything. it took me half an hour to will myself up to pee. im not exaggerating here.
and i wish i could be patient. i wish i could be like, "okay body, i know you're super tired so how about we lay around all day and ill see if one of my friends will drive me to whatever errand i have and then ill come home and take a tylenol pm at 9 and all will be well."
buuuuuuuut in reality its like this:
"dammit body it's almost 1pm how are we just getting up and holy shit i have five, FIVE texts from different people ALL wanting to do shit and ALL wanting to know what im doing and dammit body get up we have to answer these and shit i need coffee, fuck whats today? i have to go (insert errand/school/actual obligation), dammit okay well i can do that on the way to do whatever and try and get everyone in the same spot so its not like friend then friend then friend then ill come home and rest, right? okay. oh fuck its so and so's birthday tonight and there's some ride to some show okay well ill bring you home early body, ill rest tomorrow, promise."
everyday.
EVERYDAY.
i joked about turning my phone off and just hermiting out for a day or two and i realised like, tomorrows a buddy's birthday(actually, two peoples birthdays but i thiiiink one of them is waiting til friday or sat to do anything. bless her fucking soul), thursday= amazing graf show AND the start of bff (and school. ha. priorities), friday=queer bomb fundraiser and bff, saturday=more birthdays and bff, sunday=polo tournament, bff and a friends bday party/benefit.
ill be dead monday. a zombie by thursday for florida. and thank fucking god by travel buddy is amazing and not a super party time "go go go" person. and is stressed too. so beaches, farmers market cookery, vintage shopping and intercity bike riding is about as insane as we're getting. maybe some dancin. sleeping is a definite go though.
OH. ANNNNNNND the writer/producer of that movie shit just rewrote the script, emailed it to us, and wants schedules for december shooting. december is like, tomorrow. december is also a ginormous traveling clusterfuck. luckily, im only shooting 3 days, so yeah. ill deal with that when i need to i guess. i've been cast in this thing since like, september so im kinda like, "meh." at this point.
whew.
okay i feel better now.
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