im still tired, and i really have to work on being so hard on myself for having like, limitations. or still being really, really sensitive about my body and what people say about it. or something.
especially around the holidays. the holidays are shitty for me, mostly because for almost a decade they were the only times my family was all able to collectively give me shit about what i was or wasnt eating at the time. by "give me shit" i suppose what i mean is worriedly watch everything i did, talk in hushed voices to my mom and dad about whether i was "okay", dance around me like i was made of glass. i dont know, it was all with love i guess, but i knew what was going on. i mean, im not stupid. but it sucked, because believe it or not, i hate that kind of attention. im loud and shit, but thats to distract people from everything relevant to who i really am. and that period of time i felt lost enough without having what i looked like be the 24/7 focus. ball of fucking anxiety. anyway, to this day i immediately react defensively when people ask me about what im eating or if they should bring anything special for me. it just reminds me of when everything was centered around my fucking eating disorder and makes me really uncomfortable. so you can imagine thanksgiving sucks. luckily, most people i chose to be around either a) dont really give a shit who eats and who doesnt as long as everyones having a good time or b) just let me take care of myself and navigate the food situation as i will.
i mean, 90% of the time i will eat, it just takes me a while. and honestly, the minute it's brought up my little rebellious ed kicks in and any chance of me relaxing enough to behave like a normal human goes out the window. last thanksgiving i made roasted vegetables and for the first half of the dinner party i picked at those before actually getting anything anyone else brought. and then it was cool. until someone i was dating at the time pointed out i was eating a bunch of mashed potatoes.
here's a tip: NEVER TELL A GIRL WITH AN EATING DISORDER SHES EATING 'A LOT'.
especially when she isnt concerned about it. especially on thanksgiving. especially when it was after riding 23 miles and having only eaten roasted goddamn vegetables all day. especially if you dont want her to immediately start debating the pros and cons of shoving her fingers down her throat.
DUH.
so yeah. im not perfect, im still weak in triggering situations, and for better or worse if im feeling too tired to deal with it, i will remove myself and wait til im up for shit again. if im worried thanksgiving dinner is going to end with my head in the toilet i dont eat it. when im hungry later and shit isnt so frantic i know ill eat and itll be cool.
i know this is long, i just needed to get it all out, and i know there's people reading this going "holy fuck, bitch is crazy". eh. i dont really give a fuck. if you didnt know i had an eating disorder now you do. and i dont think im alone being triggered emotionally by holidays, may be some of you just drink more or cry more, or lock yourselves in rooms and refuse to come out til after new year.
im feelin alright today i guess. i guess im thankful for that.
No comments:
Post a Comment