ow.

i. am. so. tired. and bored of being tired. but mostly tired. as if someone stuck a syringe into my brain and sucked out all the juice. parts of my body hurt. random parts. my front left tooth for example, or my right lung. sharp pains, exacting pains, aches without warning, that just turn into dull throbs. my arms, my shoulder, the base of my neck. right knee behind the kneecap. it's as if my body is atrophying and decaying before i've died. what bothers me most is the exhaustion. i'm out of breath a block down the road, when i get excited my chest tightens. luckily, i don't get excited about things very often anymore. yesterday i managed to pull myself out of bed long enough to play "normal". i went to happy hour, halfway through my drink my head began pulsating to the point that i got dizzy. i left, which made no difference since i was drinking alone. got home. exhausted. sad. lonely. pissed. today my body still hurts, though the headache is now smack on top of my skull, my skulls been inflated and filled with fluid, and the base of my skull feels what i'd imagine arthritic would be.

i suppose what grates me the most, what puts the knot in my stomach and the rock in my throat, is that i'm writing this alone, with the lights off, and no one on earth is ever going to read it.

i think i'm turning into eleanor rigby.