pit.

the last few days i've spent watching things happen i have no control over. for someone like me, that's the equivalent of sheer torture. my stomach feels like an empty pit, there's a pit on my throat. there's a constant and unending feeling of resigned sadness, loneliness, fear, and a frantic compulsion to scream "stop!" and throw myself in front of my life....maybe then it would stop going and going and going and leaving me behind, racing to catch up. i keep trying to find my place in all of it somewhere, some niche that i'm needed or wanted or would be missed if i weren't around. i can't find it. at the end of the day when everyone retires to their beds with a lover or mulls over tomorrow's plan, i lie on a dirty futon alone praying for anything, any direction, any hope, any person, just something to give me a reason to feel okay again. to feel like my life means something more than just decaying slowly. i want to remember what it feels like to be loved, to feel safe, to feel like a relevant part of the world. these days i spend so much time feeling scared and overwhelmed and abandoned and genuinely petrified. i don't know what to do. i feel needy, and weak, and pathetic. and sad. i feel like i'm becoming invisible. slowly but surely fading away into the background. unfortunately, i think i've already been gone for so long no one would even notice i've disappeared.