dreamt last night we were in new york. my house was far enough away from our other friends so we'd drive through times square. thats how i knew. my house looked like miami, or tuscon. sunny and flat and everything looked like a hotel room you'd find in a wes anderson movie. new york looked a lot like miami at night, come to think of it. i remember missing you the whole time, or feeling excited when i would see you, but you always showed up when you said you would. so i never missed you very long. the last time i saw you, you were coming over. my mom and my sister were there, maybe roger. zan was 6 or 7. i wasnt wearing makeup, my hair was normal. in a ponytail. i remember you knocking, seeing it out of the window. i hugged you and i saw my reflection in your sunglasses and i was ugly. my face was fat. i threw my hands up so you wouldnt see. your arm was red and shiny. the tattoo was all red. thick ornamental things, too glossy with a&d to make out. i asked you about it. the tattoo artist was someone you'd dated a long time ago, i was jealous. you said it was only sad when she left, because her husband got the snow off the car door for her. she said "thanks, babe" so happily it reminded you that people were good to each other. and that made you profoundly sad. it made me sad too.
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i woke up crying.
partially because it was a dream, and you werent there. and partially from this deep ache i still feel in my chest.
i knew i was going to be sick.
the weirdest dreams i have when ive been glutened. theyre the most vivid, i remember them best.
but they mean im going to really, really not like my life when i wake up.
i spent an hour vomiting. im only writing this down to see if its over. i need to go to school.
i just want to curl in a ball and have someone rub my back.
having to take care of yourself sucks sometimes.
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