heavy eyelids.

im so tired. considering what time i went to bed, i really shouldnt be conscious right now. i need to be un-exhausted. like, regain my ability to go and go and go and go and go and go...or if i cant need to not feel guilty for it. heh. yeah right. im not very accepting of my limitations, i dont like feeling weak- especially with seemingly easy shit like socializing. i mean, sure, i can wrap my head around being unable to ever do chin-ups, or like, wrestle a bear. the weird thing is that a lot of the time having to be consistently "on" and bear wrestling seem pretty much the same.

although. fairly certain bears dont hold witty commentary and an ability to listen to relationship issues in quite as high regard. so bear wrestling may be easier. chin-ups are the devil though.

fuck that shit.

today looks like it can go 2 ways:

1)i literally call it a wash at 9:30am and refuse to come out of my room until tomorrow...which means no gym. which means fat*.

2) i get up anyway, and at least go to the gym before deciding what im doing so the fat is balanced out by not-fat*. usually once im up and moving, im up and moving. moving/doing things makes me feel better in an "atleastimnotlayingaroundgettingfat" way but sometimes that just perpetuates everything. and i end up just as, if not more, tired tomorrow.

prob getting up.

*sorry, im tired, thats what i equate everything with when im tired....being/getting/acting** fat.

**and by "acting fat", i mean everything you think i do. even though its shitty. and discriminatory. and unfair. and alla that.