"full"

alrighty, its officially been four days since i've felt like total ass...thanks, brain chemistry. im glad you decided to realign in my favor this time. i keep forgetting to like, update things when im happy. i think that's a general thing with technology though; when you're enjoying life you arent thinking about getting on facebook...and everyone knows blogging isnt high on my list of things to do unless im bored(√) or having a breakdown/venting/whining/being charming...anyway.

sorry if you were concerned.

although considering this is a public blog, and theres a link in my fb info, and i knoooooow some of you guys reading this actually like, know me (as in see me/talk to me on a regular basis)...if you were all that worried you shouldve asked me. it isnt creepy, it lets me know a) somebody's actually reading this shit, and b) you like, actually care about me. i mean, im not an idiot, im well aware what "public" vs "private" means (not to mention its on my fucking facebook). so yeah, i think some of the reason why i started this anyway was to openly vent without feeling like i was putting people out. everyone (including myself) has short attention spans, and im really insecure about my inability to control my brain-to-mouth spillage so...i dunno. im always trying to err on the side of shutting the fuck up publicly. plus, its heavy a lot of the time, and who the hell wants to hear some little chick bitch about feeling fat or being insecure?

it isnt even the real issue. seriously. for me (and a lot of people with eating disorders) "feeling fat"=

feeling insecure about "real" shit. it isnt the same as when you eat a pint of ice cream when you're hungover and you get full and go "ughhhhh i fell so faaaaat now." <--thats just equating feeling full with fat and while i (and too many people,actually) totally do that, that isn't really our general pathology.

now,i can really only speak for myself here, as i try not to assume all ed people follow the same logic (but as with most people with addictions the commonalities in our thinking is eerily similar) but when im "feeling fat" that usually means im emotionally unhappy and frustrated with, well, anything i think is beyond my control- school/life/friends/lovers etc.- so i focus on my external.

why? because if i focused on my internal self i wouldnt have a fucking eating disorder.

luckily, this aint my first rodeo. ive had an ed to varied levels of obviousness since i was...well. shit. i guess i was always overly aware of my body in relation to other peoples (by always, i mean always, i have vivid memories of thinking my thighs were too big when i was like, 9) but i didnt start altering my eating habits until i was 15ish. so its been over a decade. which is really sad. buuuut it means ive had a lot of time to think, and work, on the what/why/how of everything and honestly i know my triggers.

whether i honor them or not is entirely variable. but i make the choice now, and when im rested and being relatively productive i can usually make choices that err on the side of not destroying my body.