uh

i hurt.

chugged like, a gallon of fucking water.

which is stupid.

although, "stupid" is a relative concept when youre a bulimic.

more or less, everything i do is "stupid".

still.

feeling full has got to be the number one, most awful, uncomfortable, anxiety-squirmy feeling EVER.

and yes, i recognize the absolute evilness of that.

im fully aware that being "full" is a metaphor for some shit, that means someone didnt fucking hug me enough or whatever and ive heard ALL about how having an eating disorder is a total "luxury" disorder and all that other bullshit, self-righteous, nose-in-the-air "silly, stupid girls wanting to be skinny" crap.

i mean, the rational bit of me is all flag waving feminism and body love shit too, ya know.

then i stick my head in the toilet.

i mean, i dont weigh myself because i KNOW i wont be okay afterward.

people seem to think i dont weigh myself because ive somehow liberated myself from all of this.

you know what sucks?

thinking you have.

and being proud of yourself for being open and accountable, and patient, and all that jazz.

then you realize your thighs are beginning to touch and all of a sudden it spirals and spirals because a LITTLE recovery is okay, a LITTLE gainning, a LITTLE loosening, a LITTLE loss of control. but then all of a sudden it isnt a LITTLE its a LOT and now all i can fucking think about now is how full i feel now and how fat i am and how all my work not purging and tryyyyying to break all my shitty austin habits in miami is totally fucked now.

but yeah, all of you darlings reading this dont reeeeeeeally care, i know. things on this end arent quite as tidy and awesome as my going out party self is. and everyone is totally okay assuming for some goddamn reason all i do is drink and have, like, soooo much fun like all the tiiiiime. i have one person who i know will never, ever, ever, ever buy that bullshit. and i love him so much for that. he knows because he's had to witness this shit firsthand, this up and down and crying and weighing and puking and starving and saying im okay when im not and making promises we all know i cant keep no matter how much i do want to. he also remembers that up until a YEAR ago i refused to drink because i swore itd make me fat. HELLLLLLOOOOOO?!?

ugh.

it makes me sad how much life ive wasted, and how much life im going to continue to waste because i flicked a switch a decade ago and now i cant unflick it.