Wkbk babble: 8) Lists

"What things have you missed and are still missing because of your ed? What have you lost or are losing?"

i've made a list similar to this at least 50 times over the last decade (decade. jesus christ.) sometimes pros/cons work better for me because for every comforting, safe "devil you know" 'pro' aspect of this shit there are literally five or six 'cons'...so it helps with perspective a little more.

but ill do it this way.

•things i've missed•

-about an inch of height

-a lot of menstrual cycles

-shit ton of dinner parties

ugh dammit.

i'm not taking this seriously.

okay. fuck a list. i've missed the ability to emotionally bond with my little sister when she needed me, i fucked up already fucked family dynamics. i missed my entire adolescence (prom/highschool/sleepovers)....because the eating disorder just shut me down. so when i started to work on my shit i basically had to accept that my brain and my emotion were still 15, my coping skills were those of a teenager. which isnt cute when youre in your early 20s. i missed the chance to grow up. as in, detach from my parents and become an adult.

here's the deal:

when youre about to drop dead, everything revolves around you. whether you like it or not. and once that "she cant take care of herself" dynamic is created...well, trust me. im almost 26 and my father still asks me if i need money and shit. my mom cant go a day without talking to me without thinking im dying.

so yeah, once your family decides youre a mess...well, youre eternally a mess. and no decision you will EVER make will be valid because, well, you starve yourself and are self destructive so you are incapable (obviously) of making sound choices. this goes for everyone, too. most people wont take you seriously when you talk about doing things. they dont trust you. youre self destructive, you some how arent able to be productive, or functional or be on top of your shit.

sure, im still working on it. but my mistakes will always reinforce people's assumptions about me whereas anyone else, well, 'people fuck up occasionally right?'...i dont get to. which is the bed ive made for myself because of my choices. its hard though. i guess i missed out on having people believe in me. thats the biggest thing. i suppose.