Today
i know booboo
i know
uggggggh i just wish he like, knew. like, knew how much shit -- gave me and how its like fucked my head up and that ---- made me monumentally more attached to him than i should be. thats it. i just wish -- knew i do love him. then id be fine
and -- doesnt know about the ---
dont tell him
at least not now while he is giving you shit
oh god no.
you dont need more shit from him about that
neverrrrrrr
it.would.be.the.worst.
like, legit. NEVER.
buuuut... yeah. dude. totally. i will def talk --- tomorrow
and be like. heeeey. hows it goin? ------?
no right now,--- and i...i dunno.
no.
haha
way more sly that that obviously
--- didnt even say BYE to me dude
what the fuck
thats really fucked up
hes supposed to be my bestfriend
he pulled this anger shit on me.
yeah
not ok
hes just jel
fucking got in my face telling me shit is my fault or something(?) im turning into a --- wife and im going to -----. and then like. nothing
not that it excuses his behvior
but still
totally fucked up
dont listen ----
hes just trying to get under youir skin
well he did.
he's beating you below the belt and trying to piss you off saying things that he knows will fuck with you
and its really fucked up
and you should not let it upset you
and the worst is im like, well he cant be right. he just wants to be right.
even though its hard... you cant let him upset you or worry you
and if anything bad happens to --. i dunno. i feel like --- will just be smirking going "see, i told you so"
and. i cant help it. i love that dude. and i guess -- knows it. but really. it wasnt fair. and he like, never apologised or anything
thats the worst fucking reaction
if something happens to --. like something fucked up.. the only feeling he should have is loss and empathy
he shouldnt rub it in your face
you cant help who you like
and he shouldnt make you feel bad about who you care about
no. he already said hed feel exactly how he would feel if/when (yes he said when) -- died. like "well, thats what you get"
for being in the ---
like, thats what happens
you die
and thats the vilest shit hes ever said
and hes said some really not okay shit to me
thats fucking wrong
totally.fucking.wrong
i mean.. obviously danger is in the job title
but you dont fucking say that
and thats what makes the--- so fucked up
well, duh. but if --- was a fucking firefighter he wouldnt say thaty shit
your friends, family and loved ones go and all you can do is sit on your ass with a bottle of andre and worry about them
yeah.
and support them
and others should support you for loving and supporting them
im fucking pissed at ---
it sucks. no one gets it. everyone just thinks im fucking stupid.
shit HE thinks im stupid.
its not like i went "gee, whos the most inconvenient person to fall in love with" and went oh! --! totally
i just do. and even --- said im dumb for loving him, and theyre like, besties. it's like, no wonder --- thinks no one should care about him. no one fucking does.
dude
you arent dumb for loving him
love is something we dont have control over
we cant help who we like or love ever
i know, and id love him regardless. because hes my friend above else, and someone i really, genuinely care about. whatever the capacity. i just feel so much better when hes around. i havent felt solid since he left. i forgot what that felt like. and after the ------- shits been psychotic and it sucks because i keep trying to get happy again and i cant. and it makes me feel really, really retarded. .
yeah
that makes sense
i totally understand
ugh
feelings
i dont think ill ever forgive -- for all this. its not okay. to make me feel like this when i already kindof do
like, you think all of that didnt occur to me? like, --- friends die all the time. guys with wives and kids and shit. like i never thought how that must feel. like i never questioned why anyone could live like that. and why id put myself in that situation. and its like, duh. because you love the shithead. and because of that, im gonna do that anyway. and id rather worry and miss him and stress out than just date some stupid bike punk and be like, "wee, this is so easy, i dont give a fuuuuuck".
ugh.
i suck.
makes sense
i seriously havent had real feelings for someone
like.. ever
i mean. i have had crushes and shit. but not real feelings
if i did.. id do it too
i just dont want to add to all of it. ---deals with so much bullshit. and i try not to pile more on.
but i do.
and i know it.
and i do it anyway. and i feel like a twat.
ugh
i know baby
ugh. sleep. i have to sleep.
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