in words.

okay. so. its been a really long time since ive actually written and i suppose its as good a time as any to attempt to make sense of everything.

first, its been a really long couple months. really long. after the trip, and i guess even before, i really just lost all motivation to do anything here. it was this mesh of being frustrated, tired, and just feeling completely stuck. i spent most of my time in sf wondering why i was there. my mind was elsewhere; i just wandered aimlessly around looking for things that didnt exist anymore.

i drank a lot when the sun went down. those evenings became the only relevant portion of that trip. save the inevitable hangover the next day, my nights with nothing but a shitty internet connection and a bottle (or two. jesus) of andre made it a little more manageable.

and i was an exhausted, hungover mess when i came back.

it was like being thrown out of a thunderstorm into a hurricane.

as far as quiet time, there was none. no rest, minimal sleep and probably one of the most crazy weekends as far as sheer event/party/friend errands ive experienced in a long time. its hard to appreciate loved ones when they all want more than me can give them. and i know it isnt intentional, and i know i always can say 'no' or stay home....but then its this double edged thing where im glad ive got some alone time, yet mad i couldnt handle it all.

its a lot to handle. people come in and out of town, bringing a hole mish mash of happy/sad/nostalgic feelings, then leave and i stuff all the shit i should be taking the time to process. and then i hack my legs, or stick my head in the toilet.

which isnt good. to say the least.

so i looked up meetings last night. there were two today. i missed them both. i think ill start going to the ones by my gym. running and meetings make me feel slightly more with it. and at least there i can cry and talk honestly about all this messed up tangle of crap cycling in my head without feeling self conscious. which i do anyway. its as if the minute someone i trust ask me how im doing it all comes flying out of my mouth in this steam of words and i cant stop it. by the time i do stop, i already see the glazed eyes and know they tuned out a long time ago. and i cant fault them for it because i dont speak in straight lines, nor am i talking about shit 99% of them can relate to.

right now i guess im feeling anxious, scared, hopeful, trapped, and grateful.

and i wish i could scoop everyone in my heart up and plop us all down in the mountains somewhere where we can stare at the sky and feel human again.